Swing State

Hot Secs

2008-11-16T21:26:00.000-08:00

President-elect Obama doesn’t get to chillax or fart around for a couple of weeks and enjoy his victory. He literally has hundreds of presidential appointments to make ranging from uber-important positions (Secretary of Defense) to positions no one gives a rip about (Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of Housing and Urban Development for the western Kansas/southeastern Colorado region… or something) Not only does he need to find people with enough experience to do these jobs, but also has to find people with enough hopeyness and changitude to appease those who voted for him. So who’s who?

Chief of Staff: Rahm Emanuel (confirmed)
Rahm Emanuel is a veteran of the Clinton Administration and latter became a congressman from Chicago. Rahm is a colorful character as all of the following facts are actually true: originally went to college to learn dance; lost part of his finger to a meat slicer when in high school; is affectionately known as “Rahmbo” for his take-no-prisoners attitude and liberal use of the word ‘fuck.’ Obama got a bit of grief for choosing Rahm since Rahm (pictured, smugly) apparently doesn’t exude hope and change, however, Obama needs a guy like this. What happens when you make the sunshine-and-rainbows person do the dirty work? You get Martha Stewart, that’s what. How did things turn out for her? Anyway, the Chief of Staff keeps all of the little minions working hard and staying on message.

Secretary of Defense: Robert Gates, Chuck Hagel, or someone else…
Obama has a chance to select a Republican for this position, giving him big bipartisan cred. Current Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was the guy who took Donald Rumsfeld’s clusterfuckery in Iraq and made it somewhat better. Meanwhile, Chuck Hagel is a retiring Republican senator who has been a big critic of Bush’s foreign policy.

Secretary of Treasury: Henry Paulson, Larry Summers, Timothy Geithner, or someone else…
In addition to getting his signature on all of the new printed money, the new Secretary of Treasury gets to handle the worst economic whatever in the last 70 years. Some say current secretary Henry Paulson might be asked to stay on to see the crisis through, but many think he was partly responsible for this mess getting as bad as it did. Larry Summer actually held this position under Clinton, but falls into a new pickle every time he opens his mouth, thus everyone hates him. Geithner is the president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. My money is on Geithner, because he’s not the other two guys.

Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton, Bill Richardson, John Kerry, or someone else…
Hillary got the message out that she could take a call about some awful international situation at 3am. Obama listened and interviewed her for the job this past week. But can Obama trust Hillary? It’s not like he still needs her bitter supporters to vote for him anymore. Bill Richardson is a governor and a former UN ambassador and is quite jolly looking which may help to disarm our enemies in tough meetings. John Kerry’s name is being thrown around for this position, probably by John Kerry himself. GO AWAY JOHN KERRY FOREVER.

More Math Porn for You to Enjoy

2008-11-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

Actual results vs. Predicted results:

(The number to the right shows how far off I was from getting the state’s winner correct.)

Alabama: McCain 61, Obama 38 (Nailed it!)
Alaska: McCain 55, Obama 44 (Palin still loved, apparently. -7)
Arizona: McCain 53, Obama 46 (-1)
Arkansas: McCain 54, Obama 45 (What happened to “Clinton’s” state? -5)
California: Obama 63, McCain 36 (Loves Obama. Gay marriage? Not so much… -2)
Colorado: Obama 52, McCain 47 (South Park election episode was awesome. -1)
Connecticut: Obama 57, McCain 42 (Yep… -3)
Delaware: Obama 64, McCain, 35 (Bidenmania going global! -3)
District of Columbia: Obama 91, McCain 8 (91% not enough? -2)
Florida: Obama 50, McCain 49 (Pretty close. -1)
Georgia: McCain 52, Obama 47 (Bullseye!)
Hawaii: Obama 65, McCain 34 (What is this? DC? -7)
Idaho: McCain 66, Obama 33 (Wow, my first overestimate. +5)
Illinois: Obama 61, McCain 38 (Very close. -1)
Indiana: McCain 51, Obama 48 (WRONG! Obama won by 1%. -2)
Iowa: Obama 56, McCain 43 (Close. -2)
Kansas: McCain 58, Obama 41 (Close again. +1)
Kentucky: McCain 57, Obama 42 (Lucky in Kentucky. -1)
Louisiana: McCain 53, Obama 46 (Stupid Katrina! -6)
Maine: Obama 54, McCain 45 (McCain not so strong. -4)
Maryland: Obama 60, McCain 39 (Close. -1)
Massachusetts: Obama 58, McCain 41 (Bit of a slip. -4)
Michigan: Obama 56, McCain 43 (Almost! -1)
Minnesota: Obama 55, McCain 44 (Close again. +1)
Mississippi: McCain 52, Obama 47 (Oops! -5)
Missouri: McCain 51, Obama 48 (McCain by 6,000 votes. +1)
Montana: Obama 50, McCain 49 (WRONG! Big sky goes for Mac. -1)
Nebraska: McCain 59, Obama 40 (Obama wins Omaha’s electoral vote. Nebraska splits its votes by congressional district. +2)
Nevada: Obama 52, McCain 47 (Player wins. -3)
New Hampshire: Obama 52, McCain 47 (Close. -2)
New Jersey: Obama 56, McCain 43 (Very close. -1)
New Mexico: Obama 55, McCain 44 (Still good. -2)
New York: Obama 60, McCain 39 (On a roll. -2)
North Carolina: McCain 51, Obama 48 (WRONG! NC is blue? Wow. -2)
North Dakota: McCain 52, Obama 47 (Back on track. -1)
Ohio: Obama 51, McCain 48 (Buckeye Bullseye.)
Oklahoma: McCain 65, Obama 34 (Awesome. -1)
Oregon: Obama 58, McCain 41 (Awesome. -1)
Pennsylvania: Obama 53, McCain 46 (Kinda awesome. -2)
Rhode Island: Obama 61, McCain 38 (Sweet. -2)
South Carolina: McCain 53, Obama 46 (Sweeter. -1)
South Dakota: McCain 57, Obama 42 (As close as the other Dakota in real life. +4)
Tennessee: McCain 56, Obama 43 (Cool. -1)
Texas: McCain 57, Obama 42 (Bush’s state getting bluer. +2)
Utah: McCain 67, Obama 32 (Utah not as red. +4)
Vermont: Obama 60, McCain 39 (Whoa. Way off. -7)
Virginia: Obama 51, McCain 48 (Virginia is for lovers… of Obama. -2)
Washington: Obama 55, McCain 44 (Eh. -3)
West Virginia: McCain 56, Obama 43 (Spot on!)
Wisconsin: Obama 54, McCain 45 (Pretty close. -2)
Wyoming: McCain 59, Obama 40 (Cheney’s home state still very red. -6)

Predicted Total: Obama 341, McCain 197
Actual Total: Obama 365, McCain 173

On average, I was off by 2.4% per state. Not bad, but I did call three states incorrectly.

So is Swing State done? Of course not! Keep checking back here for updates all of the way through Inauguration Day.

Everyone’s Waiting

2008-11-03T20:34:00.000-08:00

Well, Swing State is back from the future and our flux capacitor is tapped out. Here are the “predicted” results from the 2008 Presidential Election (in percents):

Alabama: McCain 61, Obama 38 (No kidding)
Alaska: McCain 55, Obama 44 (Not a big blowout in Alaska for McCain/Palin)
Arizona: McCain 53, Obama 46 (Latinos break huge for Obama in McCain’s home state)
Arkansas: McCain 54, Obama 45 (Clinton’s home state is McCain Country)
California: Obama 63, McCain 36 (Funny how no one campaigns in the biggest state)
Colorado: Obama 52, McCain 47 (Denver area breaks for Obama)
Connecticut: Obama 57, McCain 42 (Closer than some expect)
Delaware: Obama 64, McCain, 35 (Bidenmania hits Delaware)
District of Columbia: Obama 91, McCain 8 (Not a “swing district”)
Florida: Obama 50, McCain 49 (If it’s close, it must be Florida)
Georgia: McCain 52, Obama 47 (African American vote makes it close)
Hawaii: Obama 65, McCain 34 (Barack’s birthplace still loves him)
Idaho: McCain 66, Obama 33 (No, Udaho)
Illinois: Obama 61, McCain 38 (Obama wins home state? That’s unpossible!)
Indiana: McCain 51, Obama 48 (Closest it’s been for the Dems in years, but no cigar)
Iowa: Obama 56, McCain 43 (Obama like ethanol, Obama wins Iowa)
Kansas: McCain 58, Obama 41 (Dust in the Wind)
Kentucky: McCain 57, Obama 42 (Bluegrass state goes red)
Louisiana: McCain 53, Obama 46 (African American vote makes it close)
Maine: Obama 54, McCain 45 (McCain makes it closer)
Maryland: Obama 60, McCain 39 (Mmm… Crab)
Massachusetts: Obama 58, McCain 41 (Mmm… Pilgrims)
Michigan: Obama 56, McCain 43 (Mmm… high unemployment)
Minnesota: Obama 55, McCain 44 (Home of Palin’s accent goes for Obama)
Mississippi: McCain 52, Obama 47 (All depends on African American turnout)
Missouri: McCain 51, Obama 48 (Won’t get called until late at night)
Montana: Obama 50, McCain 49 (Upset for Obama)
Nebraska: McCain 59, Obama 40 (Looks like Iowa, votes like Idaho)
Nevada: Obama 52, McCain 47 (Best bet in Nevada is Obama)
New Hampshire: Obama 52, McCain 47 (Closer than polls show)
New Jersey: Obama 56, McCain 43 (Best bet in New Jersey is Obama)
New Mexico: Obama 55, McCain 44 (Latinos big for Obama)
New York: Obama 60, McCain 39 (Home of Hillary like Barack)
North Carolina: McCain 51, Obama 48 (McCain holds once solid Republican state)
North Dakota: McCain 52, Obama 47 (McCain holds once solid Republican state)
Ohio: Obama 51, McCain 48 (Results not announced until late at night)
Oklahoma: McCain 65, Obama 34 (OK)
Oregon: Obama 58, McCain 41 (Boregon!)
Pennsylvania: Obama 53, McCain 46 (Oh, McCain tried so hard for this one)
Rhode Island: Obama 61, McCain 38 (Not an island)
South Carolina: McCain 53, Obama 46 (Not as close as North Carolina)
South Dakota: McCain 57, Obama 42 (Not as close as North Dakota)
Tennessee: McCain 56, Obama 43 (No love for Gore’s party in Gore’s state)
Texas: McCain 57, Obama 42 (McCain’s biggest state he wins)
Utah: McCain 67, Obama 32 (Wow, think if it was Romney on the ticket)
Vermont: Obama 60, McCain 39 (Ben and Jerry like Barack and Joe)
Virginia: Obama 51, McCain 48 (First time in 44 years it goes blue)
Washington: Obama 55, McCain 44 (Tossed salad and scrambled eggs)
West Virginia: McCain 56, Obama 43 (Insert joke here)
Wisconsin: Obama 54, McCain 45 (Brett Favre doesn’t get as many write-ins this year)
Wyoming: McCain 59, Obama 40 (Boroming!)

Final: Obama gets 341 electoral votes, McCain gets 197 electoral votes. We’ll post how close we were after the election. Now, GO VOTE!!!

Forgetting Sarah Palin

2008-11-02T20:48:00.000-08:00

If the polls you see today become the actual results of the election, Barack Obama will be the 44th President. Therefore, we only have a couple of days to enjoy the most talked about vice presidential candidate in a generation, Sarah Palin. Let’s bask in her glow while we can… before that glow is snuffed out and she crawls into the political abyss.

Terrible scenarios bounced around in the minds of Democrats (and most independents) of a potential Palin presidency brought about by the untimely death, but not unforeseen death, of 5-time cancer patient John McCain (get cancer a 6th time, receive another cancer at equal or lesser value). Would she have gone to war with Russia like she alluded to in her Katie Couric interview? Or was it the Charlie Gibson interview? Fuck, there was only like three interviews, so I should know. What about Iran? Canada? Would she have popped out another two or three kids to complete her all-Palin hockey team? Who knows! And we never will know.

Losing Sarah Palin will be hard enough, but the pain of losing her will be offset by the awkwardness of her concession speech, if she gives one. America will watch as one of the most over-confident people to ever exist has to admit she lost. John McCain, like him or not, is sure to give some sort of conciliatory speech where he is truly congratulatory to Barack Obama and is thankful to all that have helped the McCain campaign. Palin, as a very ambitious person, will already have her sights on the 2012 election and will see herself as the chief criticizer of an Obama administration. In a way, Palin will justify her loss as a win for herself because now she has tremendous national exposure.

Later next week, it will be time to forget Sarah Palin. Sure, we’ll still have Joe Biden who will most assuredly provide countless verbal gaffes that will make you wonder, “I get what he’s saying. I kinda agree with it. But, damn, that came out really really bad.” Will an Obama/Biden administration be almost boring compared to the antics of a McCain/Palin government? Sure, Palin would have been great for late night comedy, much like George “Man-Palin” Bush has been. But might America be better off to not have a Vice President Palin than to have those few extra chuckles during The Daily Show?

Worst of all, Sarah Palin has seriously hurt the future of the Republican Party. As the Republicans can tell you, absolute power corrupts absolutely. As well-intentioned the Democratic Party wishes to be, a party with a crippled opposition has the potential to go a little overboard.

Soon, Sarah Palin will pack up her $150,000 worth of campaign clothes, pregnant children, that sassy attitude and go back to the tundra. She’ll have to go back, deal with Troopergate and everything else, but without the fancy lower-48 McCain campaign lawyers. One thing is for sure: she will come back, unless America chooses to forget her.

One Election Eve, come back to Swing State for the final predictions.

The Long Painful Death March to 270

2008-10-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

Even though you may be as addicted to the election as I am (ok, you’re not), I’m sure you can’t wait for this M-Fer to be over. Wanna know how it will end? SPOILER ALERT BELOW!

In the Electoral College, there are 538 total electors. A candidate needs 270 to win (or 269 to tie, but let’s not dive into that nightmare of a scenario). As of today, October 28 (one week left), the polls show Obama with 364 electoral votes to McCain’s 157 with 17 votes tied. See below (Obama = blue, McCain = red):

Obama’s path to vicorty is easy: win most of the states that he’s leading in already. In this map from electoral-vote.com, dark colors show states where the candidate leads by 10% or more. In the dark blue states alone, Obama has 260 electoral votes already. So what’s McCain to do?

McCain’s campaign has publicly stated that is giving up on a few states won by W in 2004, namely New Mexico and Colorado. McCain has pinned all of his hopes for victory on winning Pennsylvania. How are things going for McCain in Pennsylvania? Let’s take a look at a graph from pollster.com:
As you can logically see, John McCain’s campaign has lost its collective mind. In order to lose Pennsylvania, Barack Obama would have to publicly stab an Amish guy on stage at a rally while wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey. It’s just not happening.

So, if you add up the states that McCain has given up on or is behind by more than 10%, you have 269 votes, enough for Obama to tie the Electoral College at worst (NO! I’m not talking about tiebreakers!). Why do we still care about this election then if we seem to know how it ends? An old saying goes that, “Democrats know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.”

Next Time: “Forgetting Sarah Palin”

Masterdebaters, Part 3

2008-10-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

Smarts… One Liners… Burns… and WTFs… from last week’s debate…

Smarts (or Not)
Obama…
…wants to “invest” in health care. Basically, you get better preventative care, thus you don’t get sick as much, thus you don’t burden the health care system with your disgusting germs.
McCain…
…wants to do something about those f-ing abandoned homes in your neighborhood. You know, the ones that have been on the market for like a million months? The ones that prevent you from even considering selling your own home and make the market in the area so bad, even though a crackhead moved in next door and uses your azaleas as a urnal. Well, McCain wants to buy your f-ing home! Supposedly, with magic money from heaven.

One Liners
Obama:
1) “I don't mind being attacked for the next three weeks. What the American people can’t afford, though, is four more years of failed economic policies.” Here, Obama is totally wrong. We haven’t been going though a period of ‘failed economic policies’. We’ve been going through an orgy of financial clusterfuckery of Caligula-esque proportions. Big difference.
2) “We should try to prevent unintended pregnancies by providing appropriate education to our youth, communicating that sexuality is sacred and that they should not be engaged in cavalier activity.” Cavalier activity is all the rage right now with the kids, but the term might be confusing:

Example of Cavalier Activity: “Pulling Out”
Example of a Cavalier: LeBron James

McCain:
“Senator Obama, I am not President Bush. If you wanted to run against President Bush, you should have run four years ago.” Are you kidding? That election was pre-Katrina, pre-economic meltdown, pre-Senator George Allen saying “macaca”. This election seems to be much easier for Democrats (I bet I just jinxed it).

Burns!
Obama:
After McCain said he wanted a total spending freeze and that Sarah Palin would advocate for disabled children: “I do want to just point out that autism, for example, or other special needs will require some additional funding, if we’re going to get serious in terms of research. That is something that every family that advocates on behalf of disabled children talk about. And if we have an across-the-board spending freeze, we’re not going to be able to do it.” Thus, John McCain hates Sarah Palin’s children. Finally, someone’s willing to admit it! I hate that I know their names! I could have use that part of my brain for some better useless trivia than for Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig!
McCain:
“I don't think there's any doubt that Senator Obama wants to restrict trade and he wants to raise taxes. And the last president of the United States that tried that was Herbert Hoover, and we went from a deep recession into a depression.” BUT, Hoover did get a dam named after him… so there!

WTF?
In this debate, you got introduced to the concept of “Joe the Plumber.” The concept is much prettier for John McCain than the real thing. Concept Joe is a hard working business owner whose good sized plumbing business would be paying more taxes under Obama. Actual Joe, doesn’t actually own a business, would save more money under Obama if he wanted to start one up, and owes Ohio $1,200 is back taxes. Concept Joe wants to pay less tax. Actual Joe wants to pay no tax.

Masterdebaters, Part 2

2008-10-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: No computer virus will EVER stop Swing State. Stopping Swing State is like stopping democracy. Well, a virus did slow it down a bit and delay it, so I guess stopping Swing State can be stopped for a while, much like a third world democracy (I’m looking at you, Democratic Republic of Congo!).

Anyway, Smarts… One Liners… Burns… and WTFs… from last week’s debate… ugh…

Smarts (or Not)
Obama…
…pointed out that no nation has ever been able to maintain a huge military presence around the world when the economy of that country is going nowhere. Up Your’s, British Empire!
McCain…
1) thinks social security is not that tough to fix (we’ll get to this one in a sec).
2) thinks he can get bin Laden. Exact quote: “I'll get Osama bin Laden, my friends. I'll get him. I know how to get him.”
These are what one might call “bite-you-in-the-ass” remarks. Basically, if McCain wins (no really, imagine!) and doesn’t fix social security even though it’s SOOO easy and doesn’t capture bin Laden even though he supposedly knows just how to do it, he’s toast in 2012. He knows this, but he’s not concerned about 2012. He’s concerned about 2008 and is willing to say anything to win.

One Liners
Obama:
When Obama criticized McCain’s tax policies: “I think the "Straight Talk Express" lost a wheel on that one.” What other metaphors centering on McCain big bus are out there to use? ‘Got lost’? ‘Ran out of gas’? ‘Has a check engine light flashing’? ‘Has an issue with the fuel injection system’? Endless possibilities.
McCain:
“When times are tough, we need a steady hand at the tiller.” The tiller? This is what you call “showing your age.” McCain could have reached out to the youngsters if he had said, “When times are tough, we need a steady hand at the Wiimote.”

Burns!
Obama:
“Well, you know, Sen. McCain, in the last debate and today, again, suggested that I don't understand. It's true. There are some things I don't understand. I don't understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, while Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda are setting up base camps and safe havens to train terrorists to attack us.” It’s like catching a cannonball fired at you, loading it into your own cannon, and firing it back.
McCain:
“He (Obama) voted for nearly a billion dollars in pork barrel earmark projects, including, by the way, $3 million for an overhead projector at a planetarium in Chicago, Illinois.” To be fair, John McCain personally knew Galileo in the 1600s… and thought he was totally overrated.

WTF?
Obama said if Osama bin Laden was in Pakistan (our ally), and Pakistan couldn’t or wouldn’t take him out, America would go in and do it. McCain is super opposed to this idea. Is there something I’m missing? McCain says we shouldn’t telegraph our intentions to the enemy. Just a guess: I think bin Laden knows we want to kill him. If not, that guy is probably a bit overworked and should take a sick day (forever).

Masterdebaters, Part 1-A

2008-10-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: I like to give a warning to other bloggers. If you don’t blog often enough, you’ll find that people will hack into YOUR blog and start putting up their own posts and such. As evidenced below, some blog squatter hacked in and left a post. What I’m most upset about… Wait! That’s no squatter! That’s Swing State co-founder Kim Oja! Oh thank fucking God. I welcome her on-point comments about Sarah “The Snowbunny” Palin. Perhaps Kim can be the Op-Ed part of Swing State, while I do the totally unbiased journalistic end (ok, no chance I've been unbiased, but I really do try!... Obama/Biden’08!... Dammit!).

BTW, there was a VP debate. Did we cover it? “You Betchya!”

Smarts (or Not)
Biden…
1) said, like Obama said, that Republicans would like to deregulate healthcare, just like we did with the financial industry. Now you can lose your house AND your teeth.
2) believes you can’t solve climate change without understanding the causes as opposed to the idea that you can work on climate change without admitting that a lot of it is caused by people. Some people think you can fix a problem without figuring out the cause? “Well, we don’t know why your car is making that noise, but we’re going to replace the muffler because, fuck it, those things break sometimes, right?”
Palin…
…took a gamble. Rather than actually answer the questions posted by moderator Gwen Ifill, she did all that she knew she could do which was give a speech. Basically, Palin’s debate strategy was to avoid questions she was going to get tripped up on or didn’t know the answer to, she simply would go back to giving a speech, even if it had nothing to do with the question. Question: Energy? Answer: Healthcare; Question: Taxes? Answer: Energy; Question: Healthcare? Answer: Taxes. Here’s her debate strategy in flow chart format:

This strategy made the Republican base happy, but did little to convince independents that she knows what the hell she’s even doing.

One Liners
Biden:
‘In Iraq, the choice is between ending the war, or having no end in sight.’ Oh, the war! I forgot about that thing, what with America not having money and stuff anymore.
Palin:
‘Oh, say it ain’t so Joe. There you go again…” It was getting late and Sarah really really really wanted to use this line based on a line once said to a baseball player 89 years ago. She followed it with a little bit of “darn right,” “you betchya,” and some other random folksy shit.

Burns!
Biden:
‘McCain’s healthcare plan is like a Bridge to Nowhere.’ At the end of the Healthcare Bridge to Nowhere? Dirty syringes.
Palin:
‘Obama wants to wave the white flag of surrender in Iraq.’ Yes, after waving the white flag, he’ll ride his horse to the fortifications on the other side of the battlefield, present his sword to General Grant, and surrender the Army of Northern Virginia to Union forces. No, wait! That was Robert E. Lee.

WTF?
You may have heard about something on the news called the “expectations game.” In a nutshell, Sarah Palin’s terrible interviews with Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric made many people believe that if Palin could put a noun and a verb together every once in a while and not accidentally take a crap on stage, she’d “win” the debate because she would have exceeded expectations. Well, polls after the debate indicated that Biden won the debate and all nation polls showed Obama/Biden gaining ground coming out of the VP debate. Thus, people on the news know nothing.

Dear Sarah Palin,

2008-10-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

First of all, the word is pronounced nuc-le-ar. Not nuke-u-lar. Nuc-le-ar. Maybe when you're up in Alaska, watching the foilage change and heading out to the liberry, nukeular seems like the right way to go. But for real, it's not.

Also? Please don't ever, ever refer to me as a Hockey Mom or Joe Six-Pack again. How about, educated American? Or just as an average person? But Joe Six-Pack? How about Johnny College Dropout?

As you may have guessed by now, I kind of don't like you. Which is too bad, because, you know, girl power and everything. But if your mispronunciation of important words and broad characterizations of me as a drunken spectator of a sport that pretty much no American actually enjoys watching (hint: down in the continental US, most of us enjoy football) is any indication of how you intend to govern should you be voted into office, I'm afraid I'm going to have to burn my old college republicans button in protest. (But not my Nixon buttons. Because dammit, he was awesome.)

Sincerely,

Kim Oja
Non-hockey-watcher and proper elocutionist

Masterdebaters, Part 1

2008-09-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

For the entire debate season, let’s break down the action into simple easy-to-understand categories. The country may be clamoring for change, but this is so totally a stay-the-course blog. Note: I can’t remember EXACT quotes from the debate, so if you see a quote, it’s close enough. Presenting our rigid structure:

Smarts (or Not)
Obama…
1) pointed out that McCain’s big white whale, congressional pet projects, cost taxpayers about $18 billion a year while McCain proposed tax cuts for the rich were going to cost about $300 billion. Well, maybe if the economy improved we could afford McCain’s… oh nevermind.
2) said Republicans like the deregulate things because they fell that market forces could do a better job in areas such as healthcare. Yes, Republicans, perhaps the smart mofos that brought you Washington Mutual (was a bank, died last week after 121 years) or Bear Stearns (some other shitastrophe of a financial institution) could manage our healthcare!
3) would attack inside Pakistan if it meant he could take out Osama bin Laden. Bitchin’.
McCain…
1) would fire the chairman of the Security and Exchanges Commission because this craziness is all his fault. First, you can’t actually fire that guy because of that being not legal and such. Second, if we can reverse this crap by doing that, I’ll get the torch and McCain can get the pitchfork.
2) would end subsidies for ethanol (corn fuel) in gasoline. I guess I know which way Iowa will be going this year…
3) called for a League of Democracies to handle the world’s problems instead of the UN. But, John, aren’t you impressed with that most recent non-binding resolution from the UN that has no teeth to it because we so totally needed to water it down so we could get Burkina Faso’s vote for a majority? You know, EVERY RESOLUTION.

One Liners
Obama:
‘Bush’s policies have led to an orgy of government spending.’ Lamest. orgy. ever.
McCain:
‘The American worker is fundamentally strong.’ The American worker also comes in 15 minutes late, uses the side entrance to avoid Lumbergh, and spaces out for an hour. Fundamentally strong indeed.

Burns!
Obama:
‘McCain, just ten days ago, said the fundamentals of the economy were very strong.’ I see Sarah Palin is starting to rub off on John McCain.
McCain:
‘Obama brought pet projects to his home state’ Perhaps, but we’ll put up a red flag if we have to catch a connection at Barack Obama International Airport.

WTF?
McCain said he wore a braclet from a soldier that told him not to quit in Iraq. Obama countered that he had a braclet given to him by a mom that didn’t want any other moms to lose their sons in Iraq like she did. Somewhere, Lance Armstrong is counting his millions (C’mon! He must keep a little!).

What’s in Store for the Next Two Months

2008-09-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

Promises, Promises. If Swing State doesn’t make a couple of promises of future blogs, certain bloggers (me) won’t blog often enough. Here’s the new plan:

1) A blog after each of the four debates.

2) A blog chronicling the rise and fall of an amateur t-shirt salesman (me again).

3) A blog (or blogs) covering the craziness that is Sarah Palin (she so crazy!).

That’s the plan from here to mid October.

RNC Night 4: Raisin’ McCain

2008-09-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

These conventions are over (finally). Let’s see what happened on RNC Night 4:

What Worked?: If John McCain wasn’t in politics or was a pilot, he probably would have been some kindly shopkeep with a “soda fountain” and little jars of Tootsie rolls on the counter. Interesting mix of kindly and old-timer in his speech. Republicans hope you would never vote against the kindly old shopkeep (who also got shot down… in a plane… or something like that).

What Didn’t?: Two things didn’t work. McCain’s kindly old-timer image may remind voters that he’s old as dirt (most dirt, anyway). People can do simple math:

President McCain + Death = President Palin. Oh fuck.

On the other hand, protesters from Code Pink (a gimmicky anti-war group) interrupted McCain’s speech three times. Here’s some simple math for the protesters:

National Spotlight + You, Looking Like a Dumb Fuck = President McCain. Idiots.

Fun (for Republicans): Want to show support for the speaker? Want to drown out a protester. Chant USA! USA! USA! Found a good parking space? USA! Lost isn’t a repeat this week? USA! Free doughnuts in the employee lounge? USA!

Now That I Think About It…: Every time it looked like McCain was beginning to connect with America, you saw a McCain/Palin sign that reminded you that he has a crazy snow bunny as his running mate. After McCain’s speech, Palin got more applause when she came onto the stage. Awk-ward. We’ll find out soon if the crazy snow bunny is a plus or minus for McCain. Finally, McCain often found himself in front of a solid green screen or blue screen. Awesome! We can only pray for a new Colbert Green Screen Challenge.

RNC Night 3: Ladies Night

2008-09-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

Here's the breakdown for RNC Night 3:

What Worked? OR What Didn’t?: The Palin Speech. Was it good? Was it bad? I can’t fucking tell! Gotta break it down:

The Good:
1) Apparently has a family, helping with the whole “human” aspect.
2) Republicans LOVE her. Helps motivate the base.
3) Some will argue she has a cute little accent from some unknown Midwestern/Canadian kind of place. Sort of like the lady cop from Fargo.

The Bad:
1) I… am… reading… from… a… teleprompter.
2) Even though it’s been revealed as a lie, she said again she was against the Bridge to Nowhere from the start. You’ll probably be seeing this line used in an Obama ad pretty soon against her.
3) “Look at my cute little family. Now watch me act like a bitch to seem tough enough to be VP.”

The speech will only be seen as good or bad depending on the media coverage in the next few days. If the media gets all distracted that someone with boobs gave this speech, you’ll see McCain go up. If the media focuses on her past, we’ll be back to Failin’ Palin.

Fun (for Republicans): Cowboy hats. Everywhere. Someone didn’t get the message that the Republicans are trying to avoid associating themselves with a certain someone from Texas.

Now That I Think About It…: Did you see Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby’s daddy (too many apostrophe Ss)? He was there! He was NOT having fun. He looked like a moose in the headlights, probably because he is only known for having a penis.

RNC Night 2: A Night of Jowls

2008-09-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Gustav was a bust. Things are back to normal at the RNC. Yay?

What Worked?: Bush’s speech (given from the White House) pumped up the Republican crowd. The speech was given before prime time coverage so as not to offend the 70% of Americans that think Bush sucks.

What Didn’t?: The Republican plan to get Bush’s speech done before anybody could watch it failed when all of the major networks replayed it when their coverage started. Worse, NBC replayed the direct feed from the White House without all of the applause that paused his speech. So, when watching NBC, all you saw was Bush pausing awkwardly during the speech for seemingly no reason like a tard. Quoth Nelson: HA-HA.

Fun (for Republicans): Every once in a while, the Republicans will invite an ex-Democrat to give a big speech at their convention. This year it was Joe Liebersnooze (I mean Lieberman!). In 2006, Lieberman was defeated in the Democratic primary for Senate in his home state, but came back to win the election as an independent. Where does he stand on the issues? 90% of the time, he’s with the Democrats, but on the war he’s with McCain, so I guess that’s enough. The speech was not very electrifying as Lieberman is Droopy incarnate (see below).

Now That I Think About It…: Sarah Palin is causing a convention poll bounce… for Obama. In many polls, Obama now passes 50% for the first time, and this is just with only the pregnant daughter story (which is totally irrelevant says McCain AND Obama) making the news. Her speech is tomorrow.

RNC Night 1: HurriMcCaine and Failin’ Palin?

2008-09-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

Oh Nos! The Republican National Convention is done for the day before dinner? Yes. In order to not be partying while a hurricane hits Louisiana, they’ve suspended all but the necessary political activities for now. Apparently, there was this other hurricane a few years ago and… well, let’s just ay they don’t what to be on TV at the same as the hurricane. Below, we’ll break down the day’s events like we did for the Democratic National Convention.

What Worked?: Oops! Bush’s prime time speech got cancelled due to hurricane. Who’s happy? John McCain.

What Didn’t?: Sarah Palin. And she wasn’t even there! (See more below).

Fun (for Republicans): Done with business before dinner? Kegger!

Now That I Think About It…: Sarah Palin has been John McCain’s running mate for three days, but it might all be downhill for her from here. It turns out she may have brought a lot of baggage down with her from the tundra. Here’s a list:

1) Fired guy who wouldn’t fire ex-brother-in-law. Sarah just hired a lawyer today to defend her from the charges.

2) Was for the “Bridge to Nowhere” until she was against it. The “Bridge to Nowhere” was a $398 million bridge (half to be paid by the federal government) to link a town in Alaska to its airport, already accessible by ferry. McCain hated this bridge big time because he saw it as a super waste of money (it was). Palin was for it until 2007 when she learned Alaska would now have to pay for most of it. McCain said one of the reasons he picked Palin was because of her opposition to the bridge. John, did you at least Google your VP finalists?

3) 17-year-old unmarried daughter is pregnant. Don’t blame her though. It takes months for those sled dogs to bring the yearly supply of condoms up to Alaska.

4) May have been a member of the Alaska Independence Party. What is the AIP? Nothing much, except they want to Alaska to secede from the United States. The AIP claims she was a member.

Governor Snow Bunny is the story the just keeps on giving. When Joe Biden does something crazy, we’ll promise to post that too.

Ted Just Came

2008-08-30T22:14:00.000-07:00

You may remember a little while ago a man by the name of “Ted” left a couple of comments here at Swing State. He’s what was said about him on the site before:

“I just want to first thank all of the Sarah Palin lovers out there that have stumbled across our site, resulting in an up tick in site traffic. According to Sitemeter, a lot of visitors have come from a Google search of “sarah palin.” Some even left comments! But I then realized that the comments in two separate posts were identical. Why would someone leave the exact same comment in two separate posts? I’ve come to the chilling conclusion that Sarah Palin has a devoted (creepy) following that cut-and-paste the same blog comments into a whole host of different blogs. One of our commenters (“Ted”) wrote twice that Palin’s entrance music at the Republican National Convention should be some god-awful Shania Twain song. So, I did my own Google search for “palin shania twain” and found that Ted has left this exact same comment on about a million other blogs that had also mention Sarah Palin in a post.
So, Ted, let me just thank you for leaving your comment here at Swing State. However, if you would like to leave further comments here, please don’t recycle the same Sarah Palin vice presidential entrance music masturbatory fantasy you post on other blogs. It cheapens us.”

Well, Ted, congratulations on your digital grassroots activism to get Ms. Palin on the McCain ticket. If they do, in fact, play that god-awful Shania Twain song as Snow Bunny’s intro music at the Republican National Convention, I will eat my fucking shoe.

Ok, so who is Sarah Palin? She’s been the governor of Alaska for 20 months and was the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (population under 6,000) for a few years before that. That’s it.

It’s an interesting choice for John McCain to pick Palin for a few reasons. First, McCain’s big argument against Obama was the experience factor. However, for a man that has a good chance of actually DYING in his first term (unless he’s a highlander), Palin’s almost adorable lack of experience kills that argument. Second, Palin is under investigation for an illegal firing in her administration. So, other than some baggage and a set of female reproductive organs, I’m not sure what she brings to the ticket. I’m trying to be unbiased, but SERIOUSLY. She is kinda hot, so what-evs.

DNC Night 4: Yes We Fuckin’ Can!

2008-08-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

What Worked?: Obama gave the speech of his lifetime in front of a crowd of 84,000 people. He had a great combination of hopefulness, policy positions, and a lot of “Bush and McCain are sooo BFF.” Any mention of animosity from Clinton supporters is gone. Polls for Obama are going up as of yesterday. To cap it off, Obama’s introduction video had the feeling of a Ken Burns special. So, if you like baseball or the Civil War, you’ll like Obama now.

What Didn’t?: Ok, let’s be honest – it’s hard to find anything that didn’t click just right for Obama. However, Al Gore gave a boring speech (not being stereotypical here, really was boring) a couple of hours before Obama. He plugged his movie. Tacky.

Fun (for Democrats): Hey, Democrats! What’s it like to have a presidential nominee that you can get legitimately excited about? Not that I’m saying John Kerry was painfully lame… no, actually, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

Now That I Think About It…: Political junkies will watch political conventions and get excited when they can pick out a politician he or she knows of a crowd. I was excited when I saw Jin from Lost. Is he running for senator from The Island? Is his entire platform centered around getting the fuck off the island?

Next time, check to see who McCain picked for VP. Many say it will be Tim Pawlenty. YAWN.

DNC Night 3: Dela-where? Dela-there!

2008-08-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

What Worked?: Two things worked great. Joe Biden gave a very good speech proving that he’s a guy that has been in the Senate for 36 years, is totally onboard the Change Express, and couldn’t be more excited. He went at McCain pretty hard, pleasing the crowd. Second, Obama made a surprise appearance, again pleasing the crowd, but also giving him an opportunity to plug his big speech at Mile High Stadium on Thursday night in front of 70,000+ people.

What Didn’t?: Obama officially winning the nomination would have been the lead story on the nightly news if the voting hadn’t lasted so long. As a tradition, each state gives the same embarrassing chamber-of-commerce-esque introduction for itself that takes forever. Example: “The great state of _____, home to the largest ball of _____, home to our wonderful governor, _____, home to our senate candidate that has no change of winning, _____, proudly casts its __ votes for _____!”

Fun (for Democrats): Voting, Voting, Voting! After Florida’s craziness in 2000, Democrats are very OCD about counting (and recounting) every vote. Even after Obama was proclaimed the winner, people still wanted all of the Clinton votes counted. Democrats would have a big important vote between “Tastes Great” and “Less filling” if given the chance.

Now That I Think About It…: McCain supporters may need to pray hard to Sweet Republican Jesus that Hurricane Gustav doesn’t do what some think it might do: hit New Orleans as a Category 3 hurricane. Republicans will shudder at the idea of a splitscreen between their convention and another Gulf Coast hurricane. Awk-ward!

DNC Night 2: Hillary to Supporters: Do Me a Solid

2008-08-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

What Worked?: Hillary’s speech made the best case possible for her supporters to get behind Obama. In a very thought out manner, she hammered out the case that a vote for McCain is a vote to extend getting F’d in the A from 8 years to a full 12.

What Didn’t?: Keynote speaker and former Virginia governor Mark Warner gave a great speech that reached out in a very bipartisan way to bring in people who aren’t Democrats to get behind Barack Obama. Unfortunately, he gave the sppech in front of a very partisan Democratic crowd. No “Kum Ba Ya” and bipartisan trust falls here. Tepid applause.

Fun (for Democrats): Dennis Kucinich made an appearance earlier in the day. The compact bundle of energy hit all of the major talking points, but his main tagline was “Wake up America.” Seems a bit in the face. Probably why he got the coveted “after lunch” speaking time.

Now That I Think About It…: I wonder if there is (or was) any resentment of Joe Biden by Hillary supporters for being on the ticket and not their girl. I don’t think there really was. As far as I know, there weren’t any chants of “Dela-where?”

DNC Night 1: The Wonderful Wizard of Denver

2008-08-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

I’m going to try to keep a consistent format (consistent formats are NOT boring!) during the nightly recaps of the national conventions. Let’s get started!

What Worked?: Michelle Obama’s speech was really good in a very “Barack and I came from nothing to get where we are today because America is super sweet” kind of way.

What Didn’t?: Clinton supporters on the TV not quite getting that it’s over and thinking that getting to vote for Hillary on the convention floor will give them some sort of closure/vindication. Yawn.

Fun (for Democrats): Ted Kennedy (who’s actually getting over brain cancer) made a passionate speech. His introduction video, however, made him look like he’s Jesus’s saltier New England brother.

Now That I Think About It…: Each major speaker of the night had signs made in honor of them that the convention goers would wave in the hall. So what happens to the 3000 “Michelle” signs after use? Does somebody take them home so later they can show their friends their “Michelle” sign on a stick? Also, Barack made an appearance via satellite while his family was onstage. He kind of gave off a Wizard of Oz vibe:

Where’s My F’ing Text Message?

2008-08-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

As of Way-Past-My-Bedtime o’clock on Saturday morning, Joe Biden (Senator from Delaware) was picked by Obama to be his running mate. That all great and all, but as you many have heard on the TVs and the internets, Barack was going to send out a personized text message telling those who signed up for said personalized text message a bit of advance notice of who the Veep is. Meanwhile, my phone sat silent while MSNBC gave me the scoop! Barack, dude, where’s my text? I was waiting for something that looked like:

“u thought itz hillary? nope itz joe biden. u totally got pwned!!!1”

Anyway, Joe Biden has been a senator for 37 gajillion years and brings foreign policy shit to the ticket. See him talk at 1pm on Saturday with Obama. I’m sleepy. Goodnight.

Swingtacular!

2008-08-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

It’s been two weeks since the last post from Swing State, but not without reason. Swing State had to take a break and build up the necessary blog energy need to cover the revealing of two vice presidential candidates and eight combined days national convention coverage. During the down time, we’ve given the blog a few banned protein supplements, several shots of HGH, an assload of Red Bull, and inserted a tiger into its tank (inhumane). In fact, we must now affix the following WARNING to Swing State for your safety:

“Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Swing State. Caution: Swing State may suddenly accelerate to dangerous levels of political discourse. Do not use Swing State on a dial-up connection. Discontinue looking at Swing State if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, heart palpitations, spastic colon. If your computer begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. The use of sunglasses is highly recommended when looking at Swing State. When not in use, the program for your web browser should be downloaded onto a CD, deleted from your computer, and said CD should be kept in a special container under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the authors of Swing State, Blogspot, and your internet service provider of any and all liability. Do not print out articles from Swing State. Printed Swing State articles develop a thin liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Composition of Swing State articles includes an unknown glowing substance of an unnatural molecular nature. Do not taunt Swing State. Swing State comes with a lifetime guarantee. Swing State takes full responsibility for any arguments you may win when using information learned from Swing State.”

So, here’s the plan:
1) Look for a post (short post) after each day of the national conventions recapping the previous days’ exciting coverage. That comes out to eight posts alone in the span of eleven days – a tall order for a weekly (lazy) blog.
2) Look for a post not long after the reveal of either vice presidential candidate.

That’s the plan…

The Olympics: Ultimate Veepstakes Cockblock?

2008-08-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

The 29th Summer Olympiad – A time for America to come together and support Team USA in its pursuit of an assload of gold medals. It’s also a time to stop thinking about the presidential election (supposedly). Apparently, it’s a big no-no to announce your vice presidential pick during the Olympics.

But you’re thinking, “I’m running for president. People will totally care what I’m up to!” Slow down. You’ve got two things working against you. First, to upstage Team USA could seem anti-American. Being seen as anti-American isn’t really a good thing for a person running for president of America. Second, a lot of people actually follow the Olympics (me) and might not be able to juggle watching the Olympics and following the election (also me). Seriously, which of these two pictures do you find more interesting?:Aren’t you also glad beach volleyball is a real sport? Anyway, if McCain or Obama really can’t hold back the big vice presidential announcement, they should do it during an Olympic event America doesn’t care about. Here are some options:

Diving: The Chinese are great at this and they’re the home team.

Handball: Basketball’s “special” cousin

Archery: Great for repelling the Visigoths, but not a big American sport.

Women’s Gymnastics: Probably OK for McCain to announce then, but you know all of those die hard Clinton supporters watch women’s gymnastics and a rain of hellfire will descend on Obama if he tries to upstage 2008’s version of Kerri Strug.

Veepstakes! (Obama and McCain Revisited)

2008-07-31T22:25:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, you may have had a chance to see our extensive coverage of the possible vice presidential candidates Obama and McCain had to choose from. Two excellent lists of eight people were created for each candidate and were whittled down in sports bracket fashion. Well, those lists apparently sucked big time because, even though neither dude has picked his running mate yet, many people on the list are probably no longer in consideration (What, did you think I was going to make these lists magically happen? I’m not Zoltar from Big). Let’s see where it (I) went wrong first with the McCain bracket:

#8 Tim “Good and” Pawlenty: Rumored to be on McCain’s short list of possibilities. Good start for me, but it gets worse.

#7 Sarah “The Snow Bunny” Palin: Steamy Sarah’s sister is divorcing her husband who happens to be an Alaska state trooper. Nothing wrong there except Governor Sarah tried to get him fired. Oops! I guess people are actually paying attention to what happens in Alaska.

#6 Rudy “Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?” Giuliani: Hasn’t done anything to hurt himself (recently). Not rumored to be on the short list.

#5 Bobby “The Curried Cajun” Jindal: Turns out Bobby Jindal has participated in exorcisms. Seriously. No, seriously.

#4 Fred “As Seen on TV” Thompson: Still boring. Not rumored to be on the short list.

#3 Charlie “George Hamilton” Crist: It’s been revealed that Charlie has been engaged to be married five times but only got married the one time in 1979 for a year. Either he has commitment issues, or he has “I’m just not that in to girls” issues (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

#2 Mike “I Heart” Huckabee: Conservatives still love him, but he’s not rumored to be on the short list.

#1 Mitt “The Stormin’ Mormon” Romney: Romney hates McCain. McCain hates Romney. Republicans like Romney. Romney’s on the short list.

Obama’s bracket was pretty messed up as well:

#8 Kathleen “Hillary Lite” Sebelius: Not rumored to be on the short list, but still an outside chance now that Obama/Clinton dreamticketmania has died down.

#7 Chris “Who Needs Charisma?” Dodd: Turns out Dodd might have gotten a sweet deal on a mortgage from one of those irresponsible mortgage lenders that just went belly-up. Seriously, Chris, you’re a freakin’ senator! Do you really need a deal on a mortgage? Shouldn’t you have like a bajillion dollars?

#6 Sam “I Love the 80’s” Nunn: The very retro choice of Nunn seems to have lost some energy. Not rumored to be on the short list.

#5 Ed “The Cheesesteak” Rendell: Said he didn’t want the job. Ok, then.

#4 Jim “I Know Seven Ways to Kill You” Webb: The “winner” of the Obama Veepstakes also doesn’t want the job. Crap!

#3 Bill “Nacho Libre” Richardson: Not rumored to be on the short list. I guess having a resume that includes being a Congressman, Secretary of Energy, UN Ambassador, and Governor of New Mexico just isn’t enough.

#2 John “My Dad Worked in a Mill” Edwards: The National Enquirer (a reputable publication) says he’s got a love child. Probably not true, but the rumor mill is up and running (but still very much unlike the mill his dad worked at).

#1 Hillary “The Hillraiser” Clinton: Obama said he’d help Hillary pay off her huge campaign debts. Translation: “If I give you $10 million, could you and Bill leave me alone?”

Even worse for the Obama bracket is that the three people on his rumored short list weren’t even in the bracket. These include Senator Joe Biden (Delaware), Senator Evan Bayh (Indiana), and Governor Tim Kaine (Virginia). Maybe I’ll have to do a brand new veepstakes bracket! Ehh, maybe not…

2 Candidates, 1 Cup

2008-07-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

How has the Internet affected today’s presidential campaigns? With YouTube and MySpace, Obama and McCain have a wonderful and totally free opportunity to reach out to a treasure trove of young voters (and pedophiles). Let’s first examine their stabs at reaching out to the MySpace community:

McCain’s MySpace (can we just say McSpace?) has a few bugs associated with it. Attempt number one to reach out to the young people includes a link to an interview he did with young-person icon Conan O’Brien that leads to a “We’re sorry. This video is no longer available” message. McCain was smart to diversify his Top 8 to include a soldier, a hot chick, and a minority dude. Many of the comments left by his MySpace friends implore him to pick America’s sweetheart, internet sensation, and crazy son-of-a-bitch Mike Huckabee as his running mate. The best part could be one of the pictures he has posted where he meets a guy that could be mistaken for him if you look too quickly. Here it is:

Obama’s MySpace is much more professional looking than McCain’s page. While McCain’s page looks like it was thrown together by some poor 20-something campaign staffer because he’s young and “Must know computers,” Obama’s looks like it is simply an extension of his actual campaign site, but it’s not without it’s own faults. In Obama’s Top 12, you can find Obama himself ten times (eleven times if you count the possible Obama transvestite – seen on the right). Granted, these are links to other Obama pages, but the site on the whole doesn’t have many pictures of voters to go along with the countless pictures of Obama smiling or looking hopeful. Finally, friend-wise, Obama clocks in at about 430,000 friends to McCain’s 60,000.

Now, let’s move on to YouTube. Obama’s YouTube channel opens with his speech from Berlin that took place just hours before this blog entry was written. Pretty good turn around. McCain’s YouTube channel opens with a video criticizing the media’s love for Obama. Ok, side note time… McCain, please be more interesting! My god, the media loves Obama because he’s new and exciting. You’re so old you were created in a lab from prehistoric amber-covered mosquitoes (I think we have the plot now for Jurassic Park IV). I want so bad to be unbiased in my reporting, but you’re making it hard. What happened to 2000 John McCain? You’re last press conference was literally in the cheese section of a grocery store. WTF?!? Look at you!:
Ok, so Obama does have a better grip on all things Internet related. The question is whether all of this Internet support will translate to real votes. It’s possible, but unless they extend the right to vote to your avatar, we’ll just have to wait and see. Also, if your avatar is a furry, you actually can’t vote in 46 states and the District of Columbia. Consult your local election laws.

The Swing State Store

2008-07-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

It’s July, and by now you have an idea of who to cast your vote for president (make up your mind, independents!). Many of your fellow voters give money to Obama or McCain so that, in return, that candidate will hopefully do the things you want him to do when elected. All you want in return is a fancy hat. Let’s take a trip to the Swing State Store and take a look at all of the official paraphernalia available from the Obama and McCain websites.

Do you live in a state that has absolutely zero chance of voting for Obama? Do you belong to an ethnic group that may never vote Republican ever again? Fear not, because a t-shirt is available for you!:

Whether you’re a golfer hoping for change or you just want to beat Obama’s logo with your nine iron, we’ve got you covered:

Here’s a nice seasonal option from John McCain: The McCain Ice Scraper! Unfortunately, the season it can be used in (winter) comes AFTER election day:

Do you love Obama so much that you want to force your friends to watch his speeches? Check out this Obama DVD. Special features include deleted scenes, outtakes, and a preview for Disney’s Cinderella 4: The Naked Mile:

Are you a country club wife or a gay Republican (they actually exist), we’ve got you covered on hats:
Want to rebel but lost your old Che Guevara shirt? Go mainstream with Obama:

Pimp out you child for McCain or relish the idea of you child taking a dump in a McCain onesie:

The Swing State Store is now closed. If you buy any of this schwag, make sure you get a lot of use out of it between now and the election, because if your dude loses, you’re going to look pretty sad sporting his crap in December.

Veepstakes! (Obama Finals)

2008-07-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: No fancy-pants graphics today. I'm on vacation and Blogspot is a bit touchy with graphics uploads, especially on a borrowed laptop. If you can't picture these politicians, picture them as the cast of Friends or something (Hillary's such a Rachel!).

The candidates have been reseeded and our first matchup is...

Semifinal 1: Hillary "The Hillraiser" Clinton vs. Sam "I love the 80s" Nunn

#7 Sam Nunn snuck by a very competitive Bill Richardson to get into the next round, but does he have enough gas in his really, really old tank to get past #1 Hillary Clinton? Which one is a better compliment to Obama? Hillary would bring in a lot of her former supporters who aren't totally in love with Obama just yet. They cry and moan and threaten to vote for McCain, but that threat is probably as serious as someone's eight-year-old threatening to run away with the circus (don't worry, they won't). Nunn certainly has the experience it takes to be VP, but his success did come during a pre-Karl Rove era. Today, his foreign policy expertise can be discredited when some idiot blog (not Swing State) says he loves transsexual hookers (he doesn't). He will naturally ask, "What's a blog?" Winner: Hillary.

Semifinal 2: John "My Dad Worked in a Mill" Edwards vs. Jim "I Know Seven Ways to Kill You" Webb

In #2 John Edwards vs. #4 Jim Webb, you have a couple of popular southern senators with very different resumes. Edwards is the feel-good North Carolinian with a heart big enough to hug a whole poor family while Webb is the no-nonsense Virginian who will stand up for people and literally kick someone's ass if that person thinks that's uncool (see George W. Bush, December 2006). Who's a better fit for Obama? Webb brings tons of foreign policy and military cred, but can come off a little stiff. Edward's biggest problem is that he and Obama have similar styles. If the ticket is two smiley guys trying to get you all happy about their super-fun Democratic ticket, America might get diabetes. Winner: Webb.

The Final: Hillary "The Hillraiser" Clinton vs. Jim "I Know Seven Ways to Kill You" Webb

In the final, we have two take-no-crap kind of individuals that would each be a good compliment to Obama. We've learned that Hillary has an army of dedicated followers who seem to think she's the one who should be president while Jim Webb will beat a president up. What's the clincher? Rumor has it that for every Hillary-lover, there is an even more fervent Hillary-hater which may (will) be a liability. Apparently, Hillary brings out strong feelings (who knew?!?). Also, Webb could bring in Virginia for Obama, which would be a big feat since Virginia (and its 13 electoral votes, making it the biggest swing state after Florida, Ohio, and Michigan) hasn't voted for Democrat since 1964. Winner of the Obama Veepstakes: Jim Webb.

Veepstakes! (Obama Round One)

2008-07-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

Game 1: Hillary “The Hillraiser” Clinton vs. Kathleen “Hillary Lite” Sebelius

In #1 Hillary Clinton vs. #8 Kathleen Sebelius, we have two well respected ladies who have distinguished themselves as… who am I kidding? Catfight! Nail scratches, pulling hair, a kiddie pool full of Jello, slapping, and maybe an accidental kiss (just to see what it’s like). What makes each special? Here you have opposite appearances for these two ladies. Sebelius is from Kansas and soft-spoken, thus giving off a folksy vibe like an aunt that lives in a farmhouse that always has some oatmeal cookies for you (wash your hands!). Hillary, on the other hand, brings her entire network of connections and Washington insiders that propelled her to the stunning first place finish in her mind. What’s not so great? Sebelius once gave the Democratic response to Bush’s State of the Union speech where she looked like a doe in the highlights of a speeding car while giving her speech. Hillary has a tendency to go a little crazy at times, even so far as to have flashbacks to events that only happened in her mind like her “I almost got murdered in Bosnia” story. Unfortunately, Sebelius gives off as much fight as a PTA mom asking for safer playground equipment. The Democrats need someone willing to slash the principal’s tires. Winner: Hillary.

Game 2: John “My Dad Worked in a Mill” Edwards vs. Chris “Who Needs Charisma?” Dodd

You’ve heard of #2 John Edwards. You haven’t heard of #7 Chris Dodd. Both ran for president in 2008. Dodd has represented Connecticut since 1981 while Edwards represented North Carolina for six years and he quit in 2004 to run for vice president. Oops! What makes each special? Dodd has lots of Senate clout and expeience, not to mention an impressive helmet of white hair that screams, “I’m old, I know shit.” Edwards makes you feel bad for poor people, which is something given the fact that no one cares about anybody but themselves and apparently Angelina Jolie and Paris Hilton. What’s not so great? Edwards has the reprutation of being a pretty-boy lawyer. I don’t think this is such a bad thing given that most lawyers are NOT pretty-boys. On the other side, Dodd tried to connect to young voters during his failed presidential campaign by unveiling on his website (this is real) the “Dodd Pod”, which was an interactive thing that showed what old ass music Dodd was listening to in 2007. Also, he’s really boring. Winner: Edwards.

Game 3: Bill “Nacho Libre” Richardson vs. Sam “I Love the 80’s” Nunn

#3 Bill Richardson has had every single freakin’ job in government ever from Congressman to Secretary of Energy to UN Ambassador to Governor of New Mexico. Ask your dad about #7 Sam Nunn and he’ll know who you’re talking about because he was very important… in the 1980s. What makes each special? Bill Richardson is Hispanic and could bring in a lot of Hispanic votes even though he has the world’s whitest name. Sam Nunn of Georgia basically played a part in every law that passed to Senate that somehow better organized the military or made the world a safer place. He left the Senate in 1997, just about when the world started to go really crazy. What’s not so great? Sam Nunn is a bit more conservative that your average Democrat and his presence on the ticket might upset some Democrats to say “He’s not the right guy! I’m going to vote for McCain!” Yeah, dumbass, that will really show them. Meanwhile, an Obama/Richardson ticket might scare up the uber-racist vote against a white-free democratic ticket. Oh, those crazy uber-racists! Winner: Nunn.

Game 4: Jim “I Know Seven Ways to Kill You” Webb vs. Ed “The Cheesesteak” Rendell

#4 Jim Webb is the new kid on the Demoratic block as having only become a Democrat a few years ago, but now he’s a Democratic senator from Virginia. #5 Ed Rendell is a big loud Philly guy who’s a governor and was a HUGE Clinton supporter, but now happily backs Obama. What makes each special? Webb is a former Secretary of the Navy who, in his second year in the Senate, pushed a huge new GI bill into law that sends Iraq and Afghanisatn veterans to college for free. McCain was against this bill (Really?!? Yeah.). Rendell helps to bring in Pennsylvania and other sad rust belt states like Ohio and Michigan because sad rust belt states have to stick together. What’s not so great? Honestly, both men are pretty universally liked by their voters and would be good VPs. What stands out in this classic #4 vs. #5 battle? Let’s look at an exchange right after the 2006 election between Webb and President Bush talked about in an article at TheHill.com:

At a private reception held at the White House with newly elected lawmakers shortly after the election, Bush asked Webb how his son, a Marine lance corporal serving in Iraq, was doing.

Webb responded that he really wanted to see his son brought back home, said a person who heard about the exchange from Webb.

“I didn’t ask you that, I asked how he’s doing,” Bush retorted, according to the source.

Webb confessed that he was so angered by this that he was tempted to slug the commander-in-chief, reported the source, but of course didn’t. It’s safe to say, however, that Bush and Webb won’t be taking any overseas trips together anytime soon.

Jim Webb almost beat up George W. Bush. Winner: Jim Webb.

Next time: the Democratic finals!

Veepstakes! (Obama Bracket)

2008-06-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

Before we get into the Obama Bracket, I just want to first thank all of the Sarah Palin lovers out there that have stumbled across our site, resulting in an up tick in site traffic. According to Sitemeter, a lot of visitors have come from a Google search of “sarah palin.” Some even left comments! But I then realized that the comments in two separate posts were identical. Why would someone leave the exact same comment in two separate posts? I’ve come to the chilling conclusion that Sarah Palin has a devoted (creepy) following that cut-and-paste the same blog comments into a whole host of different blogs. One of our commenters (“Ted”) wrote twice that Palin’s entrance music at the Republican National Convention should be some god-awful Shania Twain song. So, I did my own Google search for “palin shania twain” and found that Ted has left this exact same comment on about a million other blogs that had also mention Sarah Palin in a post.

So, Ted, let me just thank you for leaving your comment here at Swing State. However, if you would like to leave further comments here, please don’t recycle the same Sarah Palin vice presidential entrance music masturbatory fantasy you post on other blogs. It cheapens us. Now, on to the Obama Bracket reveal!

Game 1: Hillary “The Hillraiser” Clinton vs. Kathleen “Hillary Lite” Sebelius

Game 2: John “My Dad Worked in a Mill” Edwards vs. Chris “Who Needs Charisma?” Dodd

Game 3: Bill “Nacho Libre” Richardson vs. Sam “I Love the 80’s” Nunn

Game 4: Jim “I Know Seven Ways to Kill You” Webb vs. Ed “The Cheesesteak” Rendell

See the results soon!

Veepstakes! (McCain Finals)

2008-06-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

Our Veepstakes finalists have been re-seeded just like how they do it in the NBA and NHL (NHL is hockey, and it’s ok that you didn’t know that). On to the finals!

Semifinal 1: Mitt “The Stormin’ Mormon” Romney vs. Sarah “The Snow Bunny” Palin

One would think that the contest of #1 Mitt Romney vs. #7 Sarah Palin should be a cakewalk, but one would be wrong. The thing to keep in mind is who would be a better compliment to John McCain. Mitt didn’t exactly get along with McCain and his true feelings for him were pretty obvious in the debates. Meanwhile, I can’t seem to find any proof on the internet that McCain and Sarah Palin have ever been in the same room. Tough call. I think I need to see Sarah Palin’s picture from the unveiling of the new Alaska state quarter as a tie breaker:

Ok, that’s yet another hot picture of Governor Palin, but maybe we could see something perhaps with Romney and McCain together?

Oh sweet Mormon Jesus that’s a freaky picture. Winner: Sarah Palin.

Semifinal 2: Charlie “George Hamilton” Crist vs. Bobby “The Curried Cajun” Jindal

In #3 Charlie Crist vs. #5 Bobby Jindal, we have a couple of popular southern governors who have privately met with McCain at his home in Arizona back in May. Who’s a better compliment to McCain? Jindal brings the youth and the non-whiteness missing from the Republican Party. Crist brings his youth (compared to McCain, 51 is young), but brings a bit of personality as well. Just from the looks of it, Crist could be a good wingman; perhaps he could be the Vince Vaughn to McCain’s Jon Favreau. Winner: Crist.

The Final: Charlie “George Hamilton” Crist vs. Sarah “The Snow Bunny” Palin

In the finals, we have #3 Charlie Crist vs. #7 Sarah Palin. We’ve learned everything about these two from the fact that Charlie might be gay (oh, the irony!) to that Sarah is a MILFy baby factory (correction from the previous post: she now has FIVE kids as of May 2008) What’s the clincher? As Tim Russert used to say, “Florida, Florida, Florida!” Florida has 27 electoral votes to Alaska’s 3. Also, I saw this picture:

Not MILFy. Winner of the McCain Veepstakes: Charlie Crist.

Next time: The Obama Bracket

Veepstakes! (McCain Round One)

2008-06-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

Game 1: Mitt “The Stormin’ Mormon” Romney vs. Tim “Good and” Pawlenty:

In #1 Mitt Romney vs. #8 Tim Pawlenty, one can find a lot of similarities between the two. First, you have a couple of Republican governors from very Democratic states (Massachusetts and Minnesota). What makes each special? Romney has been heralded as the savior of the 2002 Salt Lake Olympics from financial ruin. Pawlenty was governor when the Interstate 35 bridge collapsed, so, by law, you must love him since he was around when bad things happened (see Giuliani). What’s not so great? Romney’s Mormonism turns off a few people because they see it as “crazy.” True, since we all know the true path to spiritual salvation is ancient Greek polytheism (oh, I’m wrong? Ok, show me your written proof that I, or the Mormons, are wrong. Don’t have it, do you?). On the other hand, no one knows who Pawlenty is. His boyish looks make you think he calls John McCain “Mr. McCain.” Somewhat similar guys, but Romney gets the edge because, good or bad, there just seems to be more there. Basically, why take Stephen Baldwin when you can have Alec? Winner: Romney.

Game 2: Mike “I Heart” Huckabee vs. Sarah “The Snow Bunny” Palin:

#2 Mike Huckabee has it all: a charming and neighborly southern accent, loads of charisma, an infectious smile, and, unlike you, is a weight-loss success story. #7 Sarah Palin is a woman (I have been told) and that simple fact could bring a few bitter Clinton supporters over to McCain’s side should she be his Veep. What makes each special? With a name like Huckabee, it has to be good (see Smuckers). Palin has four kids and is pretty attractive in a Tina Fey sort of way, thus elevating her to MILF status. What’s not so great? Huckabee believes the world was created in six days and is quite cool with having your kids be taught that in public school. Palin is from Alaska, so she might as well be from space since Alaska just doesn’t matter in the presidential election. Wow, this is a close one. I think I need to see Sarah Palin’s picture from the 1984 Miss Alaska competition as a tie breaker:
Winner: Sarah Palin.

Game 3: Charlie “George Hamilton” Crist vs. Rudy “Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?” Giuliani:

#3 Charlie Crist is an important politician you’ve never heard of. As governor of Florida alone, he’d be important to any Republican’s campaign. #6 Rudy Giuliani was hated by many people before 9/11. Then 9/11 happened. Then, everyone loved him (including you). What makes each special? Crist is tall, dark and Floridian. Rudy makes you think of 9/11 and its many heroes, thus making you love him again. What’s not so great? Crist was married for one year in 1979 and never remarried, causing the gaydar of Republicans to be set off (Correction: I’m being told gaydar is not equipped in the standard model Republican). Rudy was once married to his cousin. It’s true! Google it! This may help him in Appalachia, but nowhere else. Winner: Crist.

Game 4: Fred “As Seen on TV” Thompson vs. Bobby “The Curried Cajun” Jindal:

#4 Fred Thompson seems to show up in as much stuff on TV as Troy McClure did, so you must have seen him at least play the part of a good leader. #5 Bobby Jindal is the son of Indian immigrants who settled in Louisiana and he is currently the youngest governor in the country. What makes each special? Fred appeals to the country club crowd in that he’s a rich man that has a much younger trophy wife. Jindal brings in the much talked about Indian-American vote. But seriously, he would add a bit of spice to the white (and pasty) Republican ticket. What’s not so great? Fred, in real life, has as much charisma as a head of lettuce. On the other hand, the people voting against Obama specifically because he’s black might not like Jindal because he “looks kinda black.” F those people! Winner: Jindal.

Next time: the Republican finals!

Veepstakes! (McCain Bracket)

2008-06-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

First, I would love to point out the use of the term “veepstakes.” The cable news networks use this term is abundance to hype up the mysterious and exciting prospects for vice presidential running mate choices. It is a portmanteau of “sweepstakes” (because maybe YOU could be vice president! See offer and rules inside…) and the word “veep,” which is a fake word made by pronouncing the vowel-less V and P of Vice and President as if it were a word (as if!). Many websites visualize the veepstakes as some sort of NCAA basketball bracket: matching candidates against each other in some sort of post-apocalyptic Thunderdomey slug fest. Why should Swing State be any different? Here are the top 8 Republicans McCain may have to choose from:

Game 1: Mitt “The Stormin’ Mormon” Romney vs. Tim “Good and” Pawlenty

Game 2: Mike “I Heart” Huckabee vs. Sarah “The Snow Bunny” Palin

Game 3: Charlie “George Hamilton” Crist vs. Rudy “Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?” Giuliani

Game 4: Fred “As Seen on TV” Thompson vs. Bobby “The Curried Cajun” Jindal

See the results soon!

Part 5: Alternate Reality?

2008-06-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

Side Note: It’s Obama vs. McCain in November. More on this later when I’m done talking about myself.

Selection day finally! I confidently walked into the Williamsburg Marriott and up to the sign-in table. I gave them my name and they told me they have no record of me. I then realized that there was a second convention happening at the same time in the same hotel. While they tried to figure out why they couldn’t find my name, I said I’d “be right back” and ran away so as not to look like a total idiot. With confidence lost now, I found the right table and the lady who checked me in said she remember seeing my e-mail I had sent to all of the delegates looking for support. Good sign!

I found my other Caroline County delegates and we made our way to the convention room. First off, we selected a guy to run for congress for our district. Then we went to select a person from our district to be a part of the Electoral College. If Obama wins Virginia, this person would then cast his or her vote for Obama in the Electoral College (If you don’t know what the Electoral College is, I’ll promise to explain it in a later post.). There were a lot of party regulars who ran for this post, but there was this one young guy who ran whose daughter had fallen asleep on his shoulder, so he gave his brief speech while holding her. He made a joke about how this wasn’t a ploy (I actually believe him) and got a few laughs. Then he shocked everybody and won. The look on his face was one of total shock and excitement and I was happy to see him win. I then thought of how I should have brought my own daughter as a totally purposeful ploy in my own speech later. But, hey, I did see that a young guy can win something at this convention. Good sign!

We then divided up into smaller Clinton and Obama caucuses. These caucuses would vote on who became the delegates and alternates. This is where I finally found out that the second place guy running for delegate becomes the alternate. So, technically I was running for delegate now. I’m boned. The whole point of me running for alternate was because I thought it would be easy and I could sneak under the radar like Mexican drug smuggler flying over the Rio Grande. Now I have to “try”? Ugh.

As you may remember (or not), we were picking two girl Obama delegates, one boy Obama delegate, and one boy Obama alternate. The girls gave their speeches first. Most of the speeches were good, but one really stuck out and it was given by one of the girls on the “Hope First Slate.” When it was her turn to speak and give her reasons why she should be a delegate, she instead took the time to say that she “just received a report” that Ted Kennedy was in the hospital (On her Batphone, I suppose). That’s it. That’s it?!? You think you’re a shoe-in because you’re on the “Hope First Slate?” Oops! She lost! Another ‘Good sign!’ that I might be able to pull something off. Also, as an added bonus, I realized that this girl bore a striking resembelance to “Momma” from Throw Momma from the Train and “Momma” from The Goonies (below).

Finally, it was the guys’ turns to speak. Now, I had nothing prepared, so I was a bit nervous. When it was my turn to speak, I was worried that I’d run out of things to say or I’d fall over my words or I’d fart loudly. Fortunately, I did none of these and the Caroline County people I was with said I did really well. Yay me. I did have a good line that went something like “If you stand with me today, I’ll stand for all of us in Denver.” Who needs Obama? I am Obama! Then I lost.

In the end, one of the “Hope First Slate” guys also lost, so I got some gratification out of that (’cause I’m a bitter a-hole). This isn’t the end because I’m headed to the state convention as a delegate a couple of weekends from now. If anything happens that’s funny/weird/sexy, I’ll be sure to post.

Next time, we go back to our regularly scheduled Swing State coverage. See ya!

Part 4: Fighting Hope

2008-05-27T10:14:00.001-07:00

To make things slightly more difficult for me and my run for national alternate, the Obama campaign decided to endorse specific people to be the delegates/alternates at the national convention. I got an e-mail about a week before the district convention from Senator Obama outlining the “Hope First Slate,” as in, slate of candidates. In reality, the e-mail was from the chair of the City of Fredericksburg Democratic Committee, who herself was part of the Hope First Slate (more on her in Part 5).

At first, I was a bit annoyed. Why would Barack reject me after I had gone through so much trouble to get gay for him? (see Part 3) Then, I realized that endorsing specific people for delegate wasn’t such a bad idea. In a sense, Obama is picking people he can trust at the convention. This normally wouldn’t be such a big deal except this time, the margin between the top two candidates (Obama and Clinton) is sooo close. Initially, each one of these pledged delegates is obligate to vote for who he or she is pledged to support. If no candidate wins a majority, the pledged delegates all become unpledged (like a superdelegate), resulting in one major clusterfuckfest. Therefore, it’s in Obama’s interest to pick people most loyal to him should something like this happen.

With everything stacked against me, my chances looked a little bleak, especially since I had no way to campaign except for a little blurb online, and I didn’t even know how the voting was going to work (see Part 3 again). But then, Evette, the chairlady of the whole 1st district who wouldn’t return my e-mails, made a mistake that helped me. She sent out an e-mail to every district delegate reminding them of something mundane like “don’t forget to sign up for a box lunch for Saturday,” but instead of putting all of the e-mail addresses in the BCC line, she put them in the CC line. Hello “Reply to All!” I basically resent the blurb to everyone’s e-mail, and edited out anything that said I was specifically running for alternate. I also added an anecdote about how I started the Democratic club at my very conservative college. They didn’t need to know we only had like 5 members.

Next time, I head down to Williamsburg for the district convention where my $20 turkey sub box lunch awaits!

Part 3: Getting Gay for Obama

2008-05-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

Now that I had “won” in my county caucus, it was time to fill out the form to run as a national alternate. Here’s that form:

About a week later, I received an e-mail from Evette, chairlady of the 1st District Democrats, giving me and a bunch of other people an opportunity to write a 100-words-or-less blurb about ourselves so people at the convention knew something about the people they were voting for. I guess this is better than just voting for someone with the coolest name (I have really done this, and so have you). It was at this point I realized I was going to have to get really gay for Obama.

As you may or may not know, I’m supporting Obama mainly because I just couldn’t support Clinton and her push-all-of-the-buttons-on-the-keyboard-at-once-because-the-computer-froze-up strategy. McCain’s not getting my support because he’s a closet Highlander. I’m not against him being a Highlander, but, until he can admit it, he can suck it. So, in order to express my love for Obama in less that 100 words, I had to close my eyes and let his endless hope flow over me like a flash flood over a parked car. Below it what I submitted. WARNING: It’s kinda gay:

“My name is Matt and I am a vice-chair of the Caroline County Democratic Committee, a graduate student, a husband and father, and a life-long Democrat. I am supporting Barack Obama for President because I feel that he speaks to the nature of the Democratic Party in that he speaks to the people’s intelligence, hope, and reason rather than provoking people’s fears for votes as the other party does. If you trust me with your vote as an alternate representing the First District, I will endeavor to show our friends in Denver that our district is home to many good Democrats who will help to change the course of our nation this year.”

Ok, it's 114 words, but what-evs. Also, sorry if I offended any of our Republican Swing State readership in my blurb, but feel free to slap me back in a comment if you’d like.

Eventually, my blurb was posted with several others on the district website; however, it was included in the list with everyone running for delegate with no distinction for who was running for delegate or alternate. In the form above, I totally checked the national alternate box. So I sent Evette, the district chair, an e-mail asking if delegate and alternate are two separate election or if the alternate is just the 2nd place vote getter for delegate. No response. So, I sent another e-mail. No response. Now I don’t even know how the god damn voting works!

Next time, the Obama campaign pre-selects who it wants to be their delegates and alternates. OMG, did they pick me? No.

Part 2: The County Caucus

2008-05-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

In order to rock out with my caucus out, I need to fill out a small and surprisingly straightforward form to be elected at the county caucus. If elected, I become a delegate to the congressional district convention (where national convention delegates and alternates are chosen) as well as the state convention. Here is the form:

After mailing my form and my $25, I waited patiently as the big day of the Caroline County Democratic Caucus approached. Would I get in? Or would my dreams to commence “phase two” of my world domination get shattered on the jagged rocks of electoral defeat? I bet you didn’t realize “phase one” was complete, did you? Doesn’t matter: Caucus Cancelled.

Ok, so how does the very first step of choosing these delegates get cancelled? It turns out that very few people even signed up to run in the caucus. We were electing two Obama delegates from my part of the county, and only one other guy and I ran for those seats. Thus, I win. Go Team Default! So basically for me, getting into the district and state conventions is about as easy as getting into “Who’s Who Among American High School Students.” The process is also the same in that you fill out a form, send money, and you’re in!

Next time, I file to become a national convention alternate, and lay waste to those who stand in my way.

Part 1: A Disclaimer and How Stuff Works

2008-05-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

I’ve tried for the past few months to be an equal opportunity offender to both the Democrats and the Republicans. Though I do have my own political views, I knew that this blog was really a place of political education (loosely) and not political opinion. However, in order to do this series on how I won’t ultimately be elected as an alternate to the national convention, I’ll have to reveal that I’m a Democrat. More so, I’ll have to reveal that I’m supporting Obama since I had to declare who I was supporting on all of these forms I had to fill out. Truth be told, I actually voted for Clinton in the Virginia primary, but I felt that the her campaign become analogous with the scene in Predator where the special forces under Arnold Schwarzenegger shoot their machine gun blindly into the jungle hoping something would hit the predator. McCain’s a nice guy, but he’s a fuckin’ Highlander, so I don’t trust him. Thus, I support Obama.

Now, on to how stuff works:

I’ve been a member of the Caroline County Democrats in Virginia for just over a year. This past December, I was elected to be a vice-chair of the committee during a restructuring period after the Republicans took a couple of seats on the county board of supervisors away from us in a year where Democrats in pretty much the rest of the state made gains (Oops!). I was also put in charge of redoing the committee website, because as the only person under 40 years old (I’m 27) on the committee, I must know about computers and shit. When we had our primary in the state, Obama won pretty convincingly and picked up a lot of delegates, but Clinton got delegates too. The 1st congressional district received 4 delegates based on our population and percentage of Democratic voters (1 for Clinton, 3 for Obama). We also get one alternate for Obama, and the alternate has to be a man (man, as in not a woman). See the chart below:

So, why a man? Because the Democratic Party loves everything to be perfectly equal. For instance, if you were hanging out and eating pizza with the Democratic Party and there were two slices left (a big one and a little one), the Democratic Party wouldn’t be like, “Hey man, you have the big piece,” or "Screw you, I'm hungry." Instead, the Democratic Party would go find a pizza cutter and surgically cut off a sliver of the big piece and merge it with the small piece for perfect equality. Notice in the chart that some districts have one woman alternate and no man. Thus, in the end, you still get about the same number of man and woman alternates in the state.

Next time, find out if I get elected to my county’s delegation to the district convention.

Coming Soon

2008-05-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

You’ve been watching the primaries for months, listening to the sound bites, checking out this blog (occasionally), and now you’ll have a reason to check back slightly more often. Did you know that these “delegates” that the candidates keep fighting over are actual people, complete with arms, legs, heads, torsos, etc.? Well, prepare for a first hand look into how these delegates are chosen as… cue that dramatic deep-voiced movie trailer guy… as one guy makes the rounds from the county caucus to the district caucus and all the way to the state convention in the hopes of getting voted in to be a part of the mother-flippin’ NATIONAL CONVENTION!!!... as an alternate. Join us for our upcoming multi-part series.

Guamers Are People Too?

2008-04-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

During the past two elections, we constantly saw the red and blue maps denoting which party had won what state. Included in those maps would be three insets showing the results in our other “states” like Alaska and Hawaii and also Washington, DC, which acts like a state in the presidential elections. If you’ve had a chance to look and the result maps of the presidential primaries (and of course you haven’t), you see that there’s a lot more of those little insets with strange exotic amoeba-shaped lands that apparently count for something. In exchange for not getting the right to vote in the ACTUAL presidential election, the two parties have given our colonies (my bad, “territories”) a chance to help chose the nominiees of said parties. Let’s take a look at how our territories have molded our current political reality… kind of.

Guam: You thought Indiana and North Carolina were next to vote? How could you forget the Guam Territorial Convention on May 4th? A total of 4 pledged delegates are at stake and could determine the outcome of… sorry, I’m totally BSing. However, the Democratic campaigns aren’t ignoring this one and are pulling out the big guns. Hillary has sent Bill (wow!) via telephone (oh…) and Obama has sent his half-sister.

Puerto Rico: This is the very last Democratic contest in the whole season and will be held on June 7th. Fifty-five delegates are at stake. The Republicans already held their contest on February 24th where John McCain beat Mike Huckabee 90% to 5%. Huckabee dropped out of the campaign only nine days later. Coincidence? Yes.

Virgin Islands: I have an interesting note here for each party. First, Obama won the Virgin Islands with over 90% of the vote on February 9th. He then took a quick there vacation with the family a few weeks later. I guess if you win the primary, you get a discount on a timeshare or something. John McCain came in second in the Rebuplican contest on April 5th. Who beat him? “Uncommitted” (basically means “None of the Above”). Ouch.

American Samoa: American Samoan Democrats held their caucus on Super Tuesday and guess how much attention they got. Clinton won with 57% of the vote. McCain won in his contest on February 23rd.

Northern Mariana Islands: Yes, this is an actual place somewhere near Japan. And we own it! John McCain won his contest on February 23rd. Democrats did not hold any sort of contest here. Burn!

Democrats Abroad: Are you a Democrat that’s sipping coffee at a Paris café, studying gorillas in the Congo, or fighting orcs in New Zealand and still want to vote in a primary? Good news for you, you can. Obama won this group with 66% of the vote.

Thank you to the territories for all of your help. The real states can take it from here.

I Really Want to Thank Jon Stewart…

2008-04-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

Personally, I like checking out the “Sitemeter” function attached to the website just to see who’s coming here. It feels good that someone out there is reading my blog entries and, of course, it’s a big ego boost. I usually celebrate a high traffic day by stripping down naked in front of a full-length mirror, do a few flexing poses, smile and think to myself, “Oh yeah, everybody wants some.” Thanks to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, my ego’s soaring high.

You may remember (or not, it’s cool) that on March 14th, Swing State featured the article “John McCain: Highlander?” There, a theory may have revealed the scary truth from under centuries of lies that Senator McCain is an immortal in the vein of the Highlander, Connor MacLeod (or rather Duncan MacLeod is you watched the TV spin-off). Unfortunately for McCain, he got the immortality that makes him look like he’s always 70 years old instead of the sexier always-looks-30 immortality. What-evs.

Well, sometime between then and April 2nd, somebody at the Daily Show MUST have read this blog and ran with the story. A trifecta of Daily Show correspondents (Jason Jones, Samantha Bee, and Rob Riggle) all came to the conclusion that McCain’s a Highlander. I’m so happy that Swing State could help you guys out. Emmy Please!

On April 3rd, traffic increased to Swing State, and not just from states that have had some sort of connection to the writers on the site like Ohio, Georgia, Virginia, and North Carolina. We even got a visitor from Germany. Sieg Awesome! How did all of these Swing State virgins find us? They Googled “john mccain highlander” after hearing it on the show. Maybe we should start adding buzz words to the blog just to get more traffic like “britney spears” and “male enhancement.”

Ok, Jon Stewart, this one was on the house. If you want more material from us, maybe you could throw a couple of Daily Show internships our way? Colbert Report is also acceptable.

Pennsylvania Love

2008-04-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

What is Pennsylvania known for today? Apart from their cheese steaks, and their Amish, and their turnpikes, and their Ben Roethlisbergers, I can’t really think of much else. Yet Pennsylvania gets to have a lot of say this Tuesday in their primary. But what led to Pennsylvania getting so much power?

Remember when all of those other states moved their primaries to Super Tuesday back in February? Pennsylvania didn’t get on that bandwagon and it has paid off handsomely. When a state moves up its primary in order to have an earlier and supposedly more powerful say in the process, it is known as “frontloading.” Over 20 states frontloaded their primaries to February 5th in order to feel more important. Did it work? No, because each state was competing with about 20 others (like California and New York) for exposure. If you’re a candidate with a day to campaign, are you going to go to California or North Dakota? Exactly. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania has had the spotlight on itself for over six weeks. Most importantly, the Keystone State will decide the fate of Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

Obama has the lead in delegates, so he’s going to be fine even if he loses Pennsylvania. However, Hillary’s campaign is going to go down three different roads. Let’s check them out:

Scenario 1 – Hillary loses Pennsylvania: Her money dries up like grape juice into a Brawny. Superdelegates start to bail on her. Bill gives a really bad excuse for the loss that will get replayed on the news incessantly. Hillary makes up another story about how she stole a fighter jet and rescued her dad from a POW camp in the Middle East (wait, that was Iron Eagle). Generally, she’s toast.

Scenario 2 – Hillary wins by more than 15%: She gets her second wind. The money starts pouring in again. Her poll numbers go up in the remaining states. The news starts using headlines like, “Is Obama in Trouble?” Hillary tents her fingers and says, “Excellent.” You go girl!

Scenario 3 – Hillary wins, but its pretty close: If it’s close, Hillary nets about 5 more delegates than Obama; not enough to overcome his 150 delegate lead. Will she continue her campaign? You bet! Even if she has to march all of the way to the national convention in August leaving a trail of destruction like Sherman though Georgia, she’s “in to win.” She won’t. Obama’s badly bruised by the fight. McCain wins in November.

One thing is for sure: Pennsylvanians love the attention. The only thing more exciting to some Pennsylvanians than this primary would be seeing Ben Roethlisberger riding an Amish buggy down the Pennsylvania Turnpike while eating a Philly cheese steak, which would probably result in some sort of Pennagasm.

Answers

2008-04-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

How well did you do? Find the answers to the quiz below and see what your DQ is!

1. Which one of these was a real political party?
a) Tastycrats
b) Fingerlicans
c) Know-Nothings
d) Norsefire
The Know Nothings were a political party in the 1840s and 1850s that sought to keep Catholics out of their WASPy society. The party was semi-secret and members would “know nothing” when asked about it. Remember “Bill the Butcher” from Gangs of New York? He was a Know Nothing. A and B are parties on Futurama. D is the party from V for Vendetta.

2. Who was “Client 9?”
a) The dentist that did not like new and improved Colgate with tartar control
b) Some guy who wanted to get a little “stink on his hang-down”
c) Hair Club for Men CEO/customer
d) A member of Eminem’s rap group D12.
Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York had it all: power, respect, and influence. Who needs that when you could have fun with some hooker from New Jersey? A is an urban legend since all 10 out of 10 dentists like new and improved Colgate with tartar control.

3) Who had a “wide stance?”
a) The senator from the Gem State
b) The senator from the Cornhusker State
c) The senator from the Beehive State
d) The senator from the mid-western state that can’t seem to come up with any identity of its own, so it steals mottos from other states like “Mother of Presidents” because a bunch of crappy-ass Presidents like Taft, Harding, and Hayes were governors or something from that God-forsaken hell-scape who don’t even come close to comparison to Washington, Jefferson, Madison, or Wilson, or even funnier, they try out “Birthplace of Aviation Pioneers” and stick that on a state quarter that looks like a random collection of clip art. So hey, where can I see where the Wright brothers took off on their first flight or where John Glenn shot into space? Oh, I have to go to other states to see that stuff but I can check out the Wright Brother’s boring-ass bicycle shop in your’s? Oh, and while I’m ranting, how about your Rock Hall of Fame? Cool, there’s Jimi Hendrix’s pants! WHO F-ING CARES!
Senator Larry Craig of Idaho, the Gem State, gave a foot-to-foot touching sign to a guy in the toilet stall next to his in order to show that he would be up for some homononymous sex. Oops! It was a cop. His defense? He has a wide stance on the pot. B is Nebraska, C is Utah, D is irrelevant.

4) Other than Al Gore, what presidential candidate won the popular vote but lost in the Electoral College?
a) Richard Nixon
b) Samuel Tilden
c) William Jennings Bryan
d) George Michael Bluth
Samuel Tilden won the popular vote in 1876 by over 3%, but lost by one electoral vote. Nixon lost in 1960, but won in 1968 and 1972. Bryan ran for president in 1896, 1900, and 1908 and lost each time. George Michael made out with his cousin on Arrested Development, and it was hot.

5) When was the Republican Party founded?
a) 1854
b) 1856
c) 1860
d) At the birth of Jesus (hint: no)
The Republican Party was created in 1854 in opposition to the Kansas-Nebraska Act that would have allowed the expansion of slavery into Kansas. It first participated in a presidential election in 1856 and first won in 1860 with Lincoln. Jesus belonged to the Whig Party.

6) Which one of these actors was a real congressman?
a) Cody, from Step by Step
b) Boner, from Growing Pains
c) Jazz, from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
d) Cooter, from The Dukes of Hazzard
Cooter (a.k.a. Ben Jones) was a Democrat that represented the 4th district of Georgia from 1988 to 1992. The other three guys will probably end up with dating shows on VH1 soon.

7) In Canada, the equivalent of a congressional district is called what?
a) A hectare
b) A riding
c) An oblast
d) A boot
“Riding” comes from the Old Norse language. A hectare is a measurement of land. An oblast is the equivalent of a state in Russia. Did you say “A boot” out loud when reading? Ha ha!

8) How many presidents have been assassinated?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) 4
Four presidents were assassinated. Only two mattered. (Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Kennedy)

9) Who won the Burr-Hamilton duel?
a) Burr
b) Hamilton
c) Jefferson
d) The gun
A, C, and D are all acceptable. A: Burr shot Hamilton. C: Jefferson really didn’t care for either of them so it was sort of a win-win for him. D: Can’t shoot a guy without a gun.

10) Which of these companies makes electronic voting machines?
a) Diehard
b) Dielong
c) Diebold
d) Diemond
Diebold makes the voting machines. Die Hard is a reliable movie franchise/car battery.

If you got _____, you could be a _____
10 of 10: President
9 of 10: Governor
8 of 10: Congressman
7 of 10: State Senator
6 of 10: County Supervisor
5 of 10: President… of the home owners association
4 of 10: PTA volunteer
3 of 10: Member of the student council
2 of 10: Member of the prom committee
1 of 10: Person that complains to the town council that your neighbor’s fence is too tall
0 of 10: Person that complains to the town council that your neighbor’s fence is too tall while at the same time you have 3 busted up cars in your front yard.

Democracy Quotient

2008-04-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

How well do you know your politics? Well, take our “DQ Quiz” and find out. Your “DQ” is like your IQ, but focuses on democracy. I was going to call it the “DIQ Quiz” for “Democracy Intelligence Quotient,” but I figured that I wouldn’t want someone who scored low to be a DIQ sucker. Ok, lets find out your DQ! (mmm… Chocolate Cheesecake Blizzard)

Remember: Google and Wikipedia are for cheaters.

1. Which one of these was a real political party?
a) Tastycrats
b) Fingerlicans
c) Know-Nothings
d) Norsefire

2. Who was “Client 9?”
a) The dentist that did not like new and improved Colgate with tartar control
b) Some guy who wanted to get a little “stink on his hang-down”
c) Hair Club for Men CEO/customer
d) A member of Eminem’s rap group D12.

3) Who had a “wide stance?”
a) The senator from the Gem State
b) The senator from the Cornhusker State
c) The senator from the Beehive State
d) The senator from the mid-western state that can’t seem to come up with any identity of its own, so it steals mottos from other states like “Mother of Presidents” because a bunch of crappy-ass Presidents like Taft, Harding, and Hayes were governors or something from that God-forsaken hell-scape who don’t even come close to comparison to Washington, Jefferson, Madison, or Wilson, or even funnier, they try out “Birthplace of Aviation Pioneers” and stick that on a state quarter that looks like a random collection of clip art. So hey, where can I see where the Wright brothers took off on their first flight or where John Glenn shot into space? Oh, I have to go to other states to see that stuff but I can check out the Wright Brother’s boring-ass bicycle shop in your’s? Oh, and while I’m ranting, how about your Rock Hall of Fame? Cool, there’s Jimi Hendrix’s pants! WHO F-ING CARES!

4) Other than Al Gore, what presidential candidate won the popular vote but lost in the Electoral College?
a) Richard Nixon
b) Samuel Tilden
c) William Jennings Bryan
d) George Michael Bluth

5) When was the Republican Party founded?
a) 1854
b) 1856
c) 1860
d) At the birth of Jesus (hint: no)

6) Which one of these actors was a real congressman?
a) Cody, from Step by Step
b) Boner, from Growing Pains
c) Jazz, from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
d) Cooter, from The Dukes of Hazzard

7) In Canada, the equivalent of a congressional district is called what?
a) A hectare
b) A riding
c) An oblast
d) A boot

8) How many presidents have been assassinated?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) 4

9) Who won the Burr-Hamilton duel?
a) Burr
b) Hamilton
c) Jefferson
d) The gun

10) Which of these companies makes electronic voting machines?
a) Diehard
b) Dielong
c) Diebold
d) Diemond

Check back soon for the answers!

Part 2, of a 2 Part Series

2008-04-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

Continuing with the crazies… (If you haven’t read part one yet, just look down one entry. I wanted to shorten the last entry so that reading it would still be fun and not so much an epic to complete reading. End parentheses.)

Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Obama Supporter – The reverend has been all over the news lately, albeit a little unfairly. He does say some (ok, a lot) of controversial things, but many of the sound bites you hear on TV and the YouTubes are just segments of longer, not quite as crazy speeches. This could happen to anybody. Example:

Crazy: “I like terrorists.”
Normal: “I like terrorists… when we blow them up! USA! USA! USA!”

The reverend has stayed low since all of this was brought out recently, but he did come out of hiding to give us this little gem:

“When [Obama’s] enemies find out that in 1984 I went to Tripoli to visit Muammar al-Gaddafi with Farrakhan, a lot of his Jewish support will dry up quicker than a snowball in hell.”

Jeremiah, if you don’t want someone analyzing your past, don’t remind them that you went with one of the craziest people in America (Louis Farrakhan, Google him) to visit one of the craziest people in the world (Muammar al-Gaddafi, Google him too).

Next topic! Pastor John Hagee, McCain Supporter – McCain is somewhat of an enigma, where as Clinton and Obama try to distance themselves from the crazies, McCain seeks them out. McCain was known for being Republican, yet not a supporter of the extreme religious right. However, he knew if he was ever going to have Republican support, he’d have to cozy up with some of these guys. So, he started accepting endorsements from all sorts of crazies. Case in point: John Hagee. Let’s list a few of the things Mr. Hagee has to say:

“All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that.”

God apparently didn’t get the memo that most of the “sin” is found in the French Quarter, which was spared from the flooding. Yeah, take that, working-class neighborhoods of New Orleans! Here’s another:

“It was the disobedience and rebellion of the Jews, God's chosen people, to their covenantal responsibility to serve only the one true God, Jehovah, that gave rise to the opposition and persecution that they experienced beginning in Canaan and continuing to this very day... Their own rebellion had birthed the seed of anti-Semitism that would arise and bring destruction to them for centuries to come.”

Wow. So, Jews caused the Holocaust? I guess you learn something every day. How about one more:

“As millions of people anticipate the release of the latest Harry Potter book and film, we're reminded once again of Satan's ongoing attempt to deceive and destroy. The whole purpose of the Potter books is to desensitize readers and introduce them to the occult.”

Ok, now he’s gone too far! I will not stand for this anti-Potterism. Go Gryffindors!

McCain was naturally shocked and found some of these quotes to be uncool. What did McCain think he was getting with this guy? Hugs and trust falls? It’s like eating the Monster Thickburger from Hardee’s every day and being surprised you’ve put on a couple dozen pounds.

I hope you’ve enjoyed our two-part exploration of the crazies. Just remember, these people actually matter to the presidential candidates. Creepy, huh?

"You can help me by standing over there somewhere"

2008-03-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been chatting with a friend and the topic of conversation shifted to something political? Some of the best conversations can occur when you and someone you know disagree about an issue and end up having a mini-debate. You can fight it out and feel you’ve stood up for your principles or maybe even find common ground. OK, now let’s flip this around and try to remember a time when something political came up in conversation but this time your friend agreed with you. Did it go something like this?:

You: I like meatloaf.
Friend: Everyone should always have to always eat meatloaf forever and those who don’t love meatloaf like me and everyone else in the world ought to can go to hell and die. Don’t you agree?
You: Sure…

Politicians deal with this crap constantly. Let’s meet a few of the crazies (an official political term) that Clinton, Obama, and McCain have to deal with every day…

Geraldine Ferraro, Clinton Supporter – Did you know a woman ran on a national ticket once before for Vice-President? You don’t? Well, hang up your hamburger-phone little boy/girl and read some damn history! Unfortunately for Ms. Ferraro, she and Walter Mondale only got 13 electoral votes in 1984 (out of 538). I believe most banks give you 13 electoral votes just for opening a new checking account, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, one assumes Geraldine supports Hillary because they both have lady parts and such. As part of her help to Hillary, she said to a newspaper that,

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.”

Really? Lucky to be a black man? Well, I guess being a black man is like having the EZ-Pass of politics. Also, by “in this position,” she means “winning.” When asked to clarify/quickly-take-back-racial-comment she said,

“I really think they're attacking me because I'm white. How's that?”

I kept trying to think of some funny observation to that one, but they all seemed a little insensitive. See, it’s easy to censor yourself when necessary, Geraldine!

I grow tried of this post. Tune it for Obama and McCain’s crazies next time.

The Thin Red Squiggly Line

2008-03-21T08:51:00.000-07:00

I started to write a new blog entry that I was going to post now, but as I wrote it I realized something kind of telling about one of the candidates. You be the judge:

I bought my computer in January 2007, and at that point Microsoft Word did not consider “Obama” to be household enough to warrant his name to be included in the list of spelled-right proper names. Word’s spellchecker would like to replace “Obama” with “Osama” (Who?) or “bema,” which as I just learned is a ceremonial raised platform set up in synagogues and Orthodox churches.

Clinton supporters could see that red squiggly line as a sign of his inexperience since he hasn’t been a nationally known politician but for a few years. Obama supporters could see this as a sign of his freshness, his outside-the-mainstreamity, and a change from the past. McCain supporters tried to stick a check in the floppy disk drive in an attempt to e-mail $12 to their grandchild for their birthday (unconfirmed).

It’s probably safe to say future versions of Word will include “Barack Obama” (yeah, “Barack” isn’t a word either) whether you support him or not. Regardless, you should support his addition to Word because you never know if the guy you support someday might also have some crazy name. I’m looking at you Governor VanClownpenis.

Hail to the Matt

2008-03-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

For those of you that haven't caught Mattlaria (hey, it sounded better than Matt Fever, but maybe not as good as Mattfluenza), check out the super wicked posts below-- Matt is the newest blogger on Swing State and is by far the most informed. And also, quite possibly, the most hilarious. So check him out, leave him some comments, and become informed, bitches!

I realize that the momentum for Swing State has waned as Ashley and I took our totally unscheduled Month of Ignoring The News. But with the conventions on the horizon and the Clinton/Obama battle heating up (side note: Obama's minister. Discuss.), we hope to ramp things up again.

Matt has generously offered to lend his wit, style, and actual political expertise (rather than ours, which is mostly based on Saturday Night Live) to the cause, and I urge anyone else who would like to join as an author to do the same-- we have something to say, and most of you say it better in your comments than I ever could (I won't speak for Ashley, because she is a lean, mean pundit machine). So drop me a line via e-mail or just leave a comment if you'd like to become a contributor, and I can have you added in. You can post as often or as infrequently as you want, and you can do your country proud by serving up some political hot mess.

Jeremy, I'm talking specifically to you. Your "Clinton is not electable" theory single-handedly changed Ben's vote. Although he'll kill me if he knows I told you guys that. So everyone keep your yaps shut.

John McCain: Highlander?

2008-03-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

John McCain may be immortal, and someone should look into this. McCain has cheated death at least five times in his life without so much as dying:

First, during a practice flight off the coast of Texas, his engine cut out while landing and his aircraft crashed into Corpus Christi Bay. The plane sank and McCain then swam to the surface. He then went out that same night and partook in the 1950s version of clubbin’.

Second, a few years later, his plane met up with some power lines in Spain. Again, McCain is fine.

Third, in a very public display of his Highlanderocity, as McCain waited to take off for an operation over Vietnam from the USS Forrestal, a rocket from another jet accidently fired into McCain’s jet. McCain escaped from his jet by climbing out of the cockpit, working himself to the nose of the jet, and jumping off its refueling probe onto the burning deck of the aircraft carrier. Then, the bombs on his jet blew up. How was McCain? Basically fine, except for the shrapnel. However, 134 other people died on the USS Forrestal (not funny).

Fourth, I vaguely remember something about some POW thing. I think it went on for a while…

Fifth, twenty years of come-and-go cancer.

I think John McCain might be a Highlander. He does have a “Mc” in his name, so there’s that. He’s also 71 years old and running for president. HE DOES NOT PLAN TO DIE.

I don’t know how one could prove this. You could simply ask him, “Where’s your sword?!?” I would recommend not trying to take him down to see if he comes back to life. If you’re wrong about it, you’re in some deep shit.

Don’t Break My Heart, It’s Superdelegate.

2008-03-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of “the news?” Well, if you have, you probably know that all they can talk about right now are “Superdelegates.” What is a superdelegate you ask? Well, let’s see what Wikipedia says… Superdelegates are actually known as “Party Leaders and Elected Officials,” which is a much gayer term than superdelegate, but still not as gay as that Joey DeLuca kid.

A superdelegate is an individual that votes on the floor of the Democratic National Convention for a presidential candidate. They don’t have to decide who they’re voting for until the convention and can change their minds as much as they want between now and then. Many of them are governors, senators, and representatives, but a lot of them are just party officials. Superdelegates make up a surprising 20% of all votes cast at the convention to go with the 80% from all of your little primary votes you’ve been casting.

So, why are superdelegates even important? If a candidate wins a bunch of votes and states isn’t that candidate going to be way out in front? Not so fast! Under Democratic rules, you can beat your opponent in a state and still end up with about the same amount of convention delegates from that state’s primary, thus superdelegates can break the virtual tie at the convention. Republicans are at the other extreme where they don’t really do the superdelegate thing and if you win a state primary, you generally take all of the convention delegates from that state. So, to recap, here are a couple of graphics showing the difference between 1st and 2nd place:

Democratic Primary:

Republican Primary:

What have we learned? Some dude out there you’ve never heard of who’s like the Vice-Chair of Nebraska’s 3rd District Democratic Committee is a lot more important than you (and that person) previously thought. Also, superdelegates use their title to pick up chicks/dudes (wouldn’t you?).

Straw Poll: Got Issues?

2008-02-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

So I may have insinuated on my other blog that Kim and I were thinking about withdrawing from the race. However, a couple of you are still reading and still have things you want to know, and as far as I'm concerned, if we can educate one or two voters into making a decision they feel good about, then our work must continue. That being said, what are your big issues? What matters to you enough to know what the candidates think? You tell me the issues, and I will post on them.

Plus, following the Potomac Primaries, we do actually need to bring you updates on the remaining candidates. Kim, Ron Paul is all you - he intrigues you and he's pulling roughly 4 percent of the electorate. Work with it.

Frankly, I'm going to be honest here. In our zeal, we were just like the politicians. All excitement and passion. And false promises. We'll do better. We're not crooks - we're just lazy.

Not a Love Connection

2008-02-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, Mitt. It appears that America did not have a good time on your date. Despite the auspicious beginnings, something turned sour there in the middle. It can't really be your looks. You're a very handsome man. Very presidential. Sort of Harrison Ford in Air Force One. But clearly, beauty is only skin deep, and we're talking about running a country here.

You talked a lot about the economy, and your experience as a CEO. But apparently, that wasn't a turn on for America. Or maybe it was the way in the last couple of days that you kept saying that you weren't in it for yourself - it was possibly a little too defensive. Whatever the case, I'm fairly certain you're hurting a bit after spending $40 million on our rendezvous.

In the end, we've just got to say, thanks for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you - including an automatic popcorn popper, a toaster, and a bus ticket back to Massachusetts.

We'll be back in two and two for the next round of The Candi-dating Game.

It's Our Primary Concern, Be-caucus We Care

2008-02-06T18:17:00.001-08:00

Some states have one and some the other - is this caucus for concern? For those of you who are also confused about the difference between these political contests, read my lips:

* Both allow registered voters to participate - and in some states, the proceedings may be limited to only those with official party affiliations

* Each state has delegates determined by population. These delegates vote for the party candidate at the national convention. In essence, casting your vote for Romney in a caucus or primary is determining how the state's delegates will vote.

* A primary is simply an election in which voters cast ballots to determine the delegates

* Primaries emerged as part of the Progressive movement in the early 20th century. Prior to that, party leaders chose the candidates to be part of the general election without a popular vote.

* A caucus is like a mini-party convention at the state level in which the candidates give speeches and the voters cast ballots for candidates to determine the delegates. In caucus states, voting may be much more intimate in precincts where votes are cast by hand raising and ayes/nays.

* The word caucus supposedly comes from the Algonquin word for "counsel" and was introduced to the political scene in New York where leaders liked to employ Native American words for political proceedings.

* So they come from different places and times during American history, but they essentially have the same purpose - only primaries are elections straight up and caucuses are with a twist.

Sources: Bella Online,Wikipedia, ThisNation.com

Up next...the qualities of delegates, unpledged delegates and superdelegates EXPOSED!

Suuuuuuper Tuesday

2008-02-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

So you're probably SUPER tired of SUPER Tuesday coverage, but here's a SUPER report from your SUPER friends at Swing State.

Here in the Peach State, where voter turnout reached a 30-year high, I proudly cast my vote at the OC Civic Center using the very swanky new touch screen machines. Forget hanging chads - these machines go out of their way to assure you that your vote is correct. "You are about to vote for ELVIS." Okay. "Are you sure you want to vote for ELVIS?" Yes. "If you press yes again, you will vote for ELVIS." Got it! Got it! Vote for Elvis!

Like Jenn, I wore my voting sticker - featuring a giant peach that said "I'm a Georgia Voter!" - with relish for the rest of the day and felt incredibly...American.

My home state swung for Obama on the Dem side and Huckabee (by a hair) on the GOP side. With 60 percent of the precincts reporting last night, the Republican side was tallying Huckabee (31 percent), McCain (30 percent) and Romney (29 percent) in an uncanny three-way split.

Here's the rest of the Suuuuuuper Tuesday rundown...just in case you were in a coma yesterday and missed it.

Hillary: Arizona, Arkansas, California, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oklahoma, Tennessee

Obama: Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, North Dakota, Utah

McCain: Arizona, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Missouri, New Jersey, New York, Oklahoma

Huckabee: Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia

Romney: Alaska, Colorado, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Montana, North Dakota, Utah

So what does all this mean? For the Dems, it's essentially too close to call. Though Hillary took fewer states, she took more delegate-rich ones. But Obama fans, don't despair. His pickup of 13 states exhibits his widespread appeal. In essence, the Democrats still have to decide if they want to count on Hillary to pick up the key electoral vote states or bank on Obama's popularity.

For the Republicans, John McCain has it fairly cinched up, taking the majority of the primary states by storm. Despite Huckabee's declaration that he appeals to the Republican base, he picked up five states, all within the southern region, which shows he doesn't have much support outside of the base. And Romney only took his home state, the Mormon state, and the states where no one lives. Unless he's willing to keep throwing good money after bad, look for Romney to pull out if he has a poor showing in the Pennsylvania/Ohio primaries.

For those of you who have not voted, whatever your political affiliation, please make plans to vote in your state's primary. There's a considerable amount still up in the air, and YOU have a voice in the next four years. So be SUPER cool and ROCK the vote.

Never fear...

2008-02-05T17:14:00.001-08:00

We are forgotten, but not yet gone. Taking a short break while Ashley votes and Kim fights the system to be allowed to vote as an Oja.

To the Left, to the Left

2008-01-31T19:32:00.000-08:00

After Megan pointed out that Barack Obama is left-handed (a boon for both Ashley and myself, as we are both similarly handed, although she swears I kept this a secret from her until my wedding day, which sounds kind of dirty, when you put it that way), I decided to dig up a little dirt on the Handedness Issue.

This, it turns out, is a lot more difficult than it first sounds, as there is a political blog with the name Left Handed Compliment that comes up in almost every search. So, a shout-out to them, if for no other reason than that they used their words to successfully foil my desperate search for information about actual left-handed people.

I was able to find some tidbits, though, so chew on these as I try to uncover more about this burning issue.

Left-handed past presidents include:

James A. Garfield

Herbert Hoover

Harry S Truman

Gerald Ford

Ronald Reagan

George H. W. Bush

Bill Clinton

Scarily, though, also left-handed? John McCain. And Al Gore, but, just like in the year 2000, he doesn't count.

The Count, the Emperor, and Tricky Dick

2008-01-31T15:39:00.000-08:00

When he touched Count Chocula, lightning bolts flew from his dessicated fingers

Man, I wish I knew when the debates were on. I only ever hear about them after the fact, and like any former member of the forensics team, I love a good debate.

But I only ever hear about them after the fact, and the latest Republican debate sounds like a doozy-- most notably featuring Emperor Palpatine accusing Count Chocula of favoring a time table for withdrawal from Iraq, something that many of the Democratic candidates have been espousing for awhile now.

Chocula was unable to defend his position at the debate, leaving it up in the air before Super Tuesday (which I really think should be renamed Tubular Tuesday, because alliteration rocks the house). This slight by Palpatine was, as Romney put it, "reminiscent of the Nixon era."

[Author's note: I have written, erased and rewritten four paragraphs about Richard Nixon here, which I have chosen to delete, not unlike the portion of the Watergate tape so famously blotted out by Mr. Nixon himself. The crux of the paragraph that was supposed to go here is, "hey, I kind of liked Nixon, okay? Except for Watergate. And the whole abusing the FBI's power to spy on his enemies. I liked that he opened the door to China, and created a detente with Russia. Those things-- they were good, no?" But because I do not feel like being bitch-slapped by the hand of those more knowledgeable than myself, I respectfully withdraw said aforementioned paragraph.]

Point is: This campaign is getting dirty. With the Kennedys turning on their Clinton BFFs, and Barack and Hillary at each other's throats, and, by the looks of the above picture, some serious Jedi strong-arming going on among the Republican candidates, we're in for quite the ride.

Source: Washington Post Issues Tracker

2008-01-30T18:43:00.000-08:00

Part of the purpose of this blog is not only to bring you information on the candidates, but also to help you find it yourself. I found this nifty widget on the Washington Post that tracks the issues mentioned by each candidate in a circular fashion so that you can see in descending order what the candidates are talking about.

Although it doesn't give you any read on the candidate's stance about a particular issue, it does tell you how frequently it's being mentioned. Take it with a grain of salt, but I thought there was some merit in knowing what the candidates are loading into each of their speeches. Certainly frequent mentions must indicate some prioritizing on the matter. For the remaining candidates, here's the top issues:

Clinton - Health Care
Huckabee - Immigration
McCain - Iraq War
Obama - Health Care
Paul - Iraq War
Romney - Immigration

Separated by The Candi-Dating Game

2008-01-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

Republican Presidential Hopeful Mitt Romney and Chuck Woolery, host of The Dating Game

The People Have Spoken: By Popular Vote, More on Senator Edwards

2008-01-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

"It's time for me to step aside so that history can blaze its path. We do not know who will take the final steps to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but what we do know is that our Democratic Party will make history." --John Edwards, announcing his withdrawal from the election

All right. So I'm a little behind the times. Blame work. Blame my cold. Blame George Bush. Blame Dick Cheney and his sudoku madness during the State of the Union. Even though Edwards formally withdrew his candidacy today, I think he's still a player in the national political scene. As I noted in my earlier post, I think he has hopes for the V.P. nod, despite his protestations otherwise. And so, without further adieu, I give you the following real information about John Edwards. (See? I told you you'd eventually learn something.)

* Edwards strongly position himself as the candidate for the "regular guy." His website repeatedly notes his willingness to take a stand for hard-working families. It appears that he's leading with the position of supporting working families in a multitude of ways - the words "protect" and "defend" come up a lot.

* He outlined a poverty platform that included reassessing (and broadening) the definition of poverty to more fully encompass those truly in need. He also planned to increase minimum wage, create short-term jobs, invest in rural communities (more impoverished than urban centers), eliminate tax penalties for single adults without children (hoorah!).

* He also vows to eliminate abuse of labor laws, overtime, "predatory" foreclosures, and abusive financial products and credit card policies. This stance alludes to his litigious background and suggests that his law background might lead to a lot of oversight/new laws/task forces to police various industries.

* His policies on families are vague. He vows to lower teen pregnancy, but he doesn't take a stance on whether that's through abstinence education, safe sex education, or issuing chastity belts to everyone who watches Zooey 101.

* On foreign policy, Edwards favors an immediate reduction in troops in Iraq and a complete pull out by the end of '08. In the Homeland Security realm (blergh - I hate that name), he purports to increase border patrols, use of the national guard, preparation measures, and a reevaluation of the emergency coding system - because that is so important.

* Edwards does give significant information on his plans for Darfur and Uganda - an issue which hasn't been given a whole lot of air time. Edwards says the U.S. should back the U.N. in bringing peace to these two conflicts. It's about time somebody did something.

* A snapshot on other stances: reduce the bounds of the Patriot Act, radical overhaul of All Children Left Behind - I mean, No Child Left Behind, equal rights for gay and lesbian couples, and a strong focus on the aging U.S. population.

(Please note the source for almost all of this information is www.johnedwards.com. For the candidates still in the race, I'll consider other sources for a more robust picture.)

Barack You Like a Hurricane

2008-01-28T18:58:00.000-08:00

Today Barack Obama received the endorsement of the Kennedy clan-- the triple threat of Teddy, Caroline, and Some Other Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember, But It Ended In Kennedy. Kennedy spoke of Obama's readiness to take on the job, and compared Obama to his late brother John.

This is highly interesting, and not just because I had a Kennedy fetish growing up-- apparently, the Kennedys and the Clintons used to be BFFs, but just recently, Hillary and Bill's devisive comments about Obama had set them on edge, causing the Kennedys to shift their endorsement to Obama.

Is this good or bad for Barack Obama? I cannot speak for the rest of America, but in my own mind it has both its good side and its bad.

Good: I used to have a massive crush on JFK, and would spend hours making my friend Karin play JFK related games with me. For reals.

Bad: Teddy Kennedy once killed someone. Accidentally. But still.

Good: The song "Sweet Caroline" is about Caroline Kennedy, which means that Barack Obama must also, by virtue of inference, have the endorsement of Neil Diamond

Bad: According to my mother, whose grandparents lived in Osterville, MA, not far from Hyannis, the Kennedys would come to town every once in a while and decimate the local restaurant, Wimpy's.

Either way, the word of the Kennedys still has a strong impact on the democratic voter. With the Kennedys hitting the campaign trail next week in support of Obama, it'll be interesting to see what kind of effect this has on the Super Tuesday primaries.

In unrelated news, I really have to go get my name changed on my voter registration, so that I can vote in Ohio's primary, even though it's so late in the primary season that the results really won't matter. Someone please remind me to do this, because I am not showing up at the elementary school at 6:45 in the morning only to be turned away by the cranky old volunteer voter lady.

Here's What I Know

2008-01-26T23:37:00.000-08:00

Mitt Romney
* Mormon. Face it, Mitt, that's the first thing anyone knows about you.
* At Christmas, a competing campaign sent out fake Christmas cards under the guise of being from Romney that affirmed his support of polygamy. That was not very Big Love of them.
* His father did...something?...in Michigan, which contributed to his victory in the caucus there.
* Governor of Massachusetts. Speculation that MA residents participated in the New Hampshire primary on his behalf. If so, they weren't very effective.
* Very coiffed look makes him look, as G. pointed out, very much like Count Chocula. I wonder if he's a Dapper Dan man?

Hillary Clinton
* Former first lady
* The candidate my father would least like to see win the presidency.
* Involved in the Whitewater scandal - which really just makes me think of Atlanta water parks and e-coli.
* Wife of former President Bill "I did not inhale, I did not have sex with that woman" Clinton, mother of Chelsea, who I give major props for, from all appearances, turning into a very smart attractive lady despite the scrutiny during her painfully pubescent years.
* Most likely candidate to be completely vilified by opponents.

Mike Huckabee
* Former Baptist preacher
* Believes that Jesus hates the Constitution
* Is currently running out of funds and asking campaign staff to work at reduced rates or for free.
* Has gained "Huckmentum" in Georgia. (Caveat: I am not responsible for coining this phrase.)
* Is currently being endorsed by Chuck Norris and Ric Flair. That's right, Kim. RIC FLAIR.

John Edwards
* Has a $400 haircut and very shiny teeth.
* Grew up in a mill town in South Carolina. If you have not heard this story, you must be dead.
* Big popularity with the lay-deez.
* Senator from N.C., formerly home to yours truly. Spent the majority of his senatorial terms on the campaign trail. John, the people of N.C. thank you for your dedicated service.
* My guess is he's angling for the veep nom - or a job endorsing Davinci Veneers.

What We Know Now: Part 1

2008-01-26T16:40:00.000-08:00

In an effort to show you just how far removed we are from the race as of this moment, Ashley and I wanted to give you a brief rundown on the candidates based solely on our knowledge of them right now. And by knowledge, I mean our opinions of their haircuts.

John McCain (R): In addition to Megan's very astute comment regarding the state of Mr. McCain's teeth, I would like to submit to you that John McCain looks exactly like the Emperor from the Star Wars movies. As it did a long time ago in a universe far, far away, I submit that this spells only trouble for the American people.

Barack Obama (D): As far as I know, the only black guy ever to run for president, and is also probably among the whitest black guys there is. Is endorsed by Oprah, which makes me nervous. Also, smokes cigarettes (which I learned from Letterman, always an important and yet somehow overlooked source of political knowledge), was president of the Harvard Law Review, and... I think that's all I know about him. Oh, and I find him weirdly sexy.

Ron Paul (R): According to my husband, this is the candidate that I should be voting for, except that he's going to lose, and I don't like losers. Which is too bad, because he's also the only candidate that I really know anything about-- Ron Paul, though running as a republican, is essentially a libertarian, meaning he is economically conservative and socially liberal. This means limited spending, stem cell research, and gay marriage, all of which I support.

However, on a side note, the Weird Guy from work has Ron Paul stuff plastered all over his car-- I mean all over it, in the back windows and on the side panels and everything-- and this somehow makes me think less of Ron Paul.

Rudy Guiliani (R): Also according to my husband (I get much of my political information from my husband, who, in turn, gets most of his Useless Trivia and Celebrity Rehab updates from me, in a quaint form of symbioticity), Rudy Guiliani is the devil, and, if given power over the American people, would enslave us all and sell us to Canada as sex slaves. I find this information confusing, as I was under the assumption that Rudy Guiliani single-handedly defeated terrorism (we are forced to watch Fox News on our lunch breaks at work, because no one knows how to change the channel on the lunchroom TV, in case you're wondering where I got this particular piece of information).

As you can see, I've got quite a long way to go-- I plan to post updates on each candidate as I learn more, so that by the end, this list won't seem quite like a retarded fifth-grader wrote it. I do not, however, plan on changing my stance on John McCain's appearance, and urge all other padawans to do the same.

Please Excuse Us...

2008-01-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

...while we adjust our platform. Thank you for your continued support.

Split Ticket

2008-01-24T19:44:00.000-08:00

Kim and I have split the candidates between us and will be reviewing what we know about each one as of right now. We both have Republicans and Democrats on our list - we're working both sides of the aisle here. As one electoral voted noted after the Inaugural Address, third-party lesser-knowns are also floating around out there. Problem is, we're still so clueless, we don't know who they are. Except Dennis Kucinich. I admit, I know who he is because Dave Matthews said he might vote for him in the last election during an interview with Rolling Stone. (Off course, just as I was Googling to check the spelling of his name, I find out he's dropping out of the race. Politics moves fast.)

This leads me to a reminder on Ground Rule numero uno: you must accept that our election coverage at this point is based on quick observations, hearsay, hairstyles, Googling and celebrity endorsements. And possibly by Perez Hilton. But I will neither confirm or deny the truth of that statement.

We'd like to let our constituents know that we will actually be providing you useful truthiness soon. Until then, please stand by for the candidate role call coming to a blog near you (pssst...this blog) over the weekend.

All in Favor?

2008-01-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

Is anyone else having trouble with the phrase "stimulus package"?

Inaugural Address

2008-01-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

Listen.

We are tired of being the two least likely people anyone would ask for their opinion on a candidate.

We are tired of basing our knowledge of the candidates on Things We Saw in the Headlines on Yahoo News, But Did Not Click On, or worse, on What Oprah Thinks.

We are ready to take on the challenge of becoming informed, even if it means reading something other than Entertainment Weekly or The Viscount Who Loved Me.

And we want to share it all with you. Because we're giving like that.

Point is, neither of us knows yet who we're going to vote for in the upcoming Presidential election. In fact, neither of us knows if Presidential is supposed to be capitalized in that last sentence. But by God, we are going to find out.

We admit right now, at the outset, that we know nothing. That's the whole point: you gotta start somewhere, right?

So a few rules before we even begin:

1. Accept that we know nothing. That our opinions, at least now, at the outset, are uninformed, or based solely on looks, or on something that The Smart Guy at Work said, but then, he says a lot of things.

2. Help us become more informed. If you know something, or you see something, or you hear something, tell us about it. If you're nice, we might even let you guest-blog.

3. Do not look for a bias here-- we have none. Both of us have voted for members of both parties (sorry, Mom and Dad, but you had to find out sometime), and we are both willing to listen to both sides of the story. (Except Oprah's side.)

4. Our goal? Simply to determine the best candidates for us, and hopefully give you a little information you can work with. We don't want to tell you how to vote; we don't even want to tell you that you have to vote, although if you don't, the terrorists win. Just saying.

It's time for the Entertainment Twins to get political. Taste it!

With all due political respect and seriousness,

Ashley and Kim